CC15 Workshop 08 - Working with Mixed Agenda Couples in Discernment Counseling - William Doherty, PhD

Description:

How to work with partners who are leaning in difference directions about staying together and trying therapy. Learn core techniques and see a video demonstration of how to work confidently with these challenging couples. You will learn the key pathways offered couples in Discernment Counseling.

Educational Objectives:

1. Explain strategies for working differently with leaning-in and leaning-out partners.
2. Describe the key pathways offered couples in Discernment Counseling.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Introduction

• Bill Doherty introduces discernment counseling and invites participants to share why they attended.

• Highlights the often-overlooked challenge of mixed agenda couples in therapy—where one partner wants out and the other wants to save the relationship.

Challenges in Traditional Couples Therapy

• Current models struggle with mixed agenda dynamics.

• Two types of ambivalence: uncertainty about staying in the relationship and uncertainty about doing therapy.

• Common therapist mistakes: pursuing the disengaged partner, withholding meaningful help, pushing for session commitments too early.

Discernment Counseling Overview

• A short-term process (1–5 sessions) for clarity, not immediate relationship improvement.

• Three possible outcomes: stay as-is, separate/divorce, or commit to six months of couples therapy.

• Focuses on individual conversations, guiding partners to understand their own contributions.

Structure of Sessions

• Begins with a joint interview to hear the "divorce narrative."

• Followed by individual sessions and therapist feedback shared in a joint wrap-up.

• Emphasizes self-reflection, not partner-blaming.

Addressing Affairs

• Affairs are addressed individually, focusing on how they affect the marriage.

• The affair isn’t compared to the marriage; instead, insight is gained into the individual’s marital role.

Working with Leaning Out Partners

• Therapists help them reflect, not justify leaving.

• Encouraged to take responsibility for their own behavior before deciding.

Working with Leaning In Partners

• Guided to stop pursuing or self-sabotaging.

• Challenged to bring their best selves and understand their partner’s pain.

Case Study: Bruce and Rebecca

• Bruce leans in; Rebecca leans out.

• Counseling helped both reflect on their roles and move toward a clearer decision.

Reactive Behaviors and Responsibility

• Clients are challenged to avoid blaming and instead reflect on their impact.

• The goal is emotional honesty and mature decision-making.

One to Want Intervention

• Designed for demoralized couples—asks if they still want to want the relationship.

• Helps partners reconnect with the possibility of desire and hope.

Value Statements and Decision Paths

• Website hosts value statements for transparency.

• Outcomes: ~47% choose therapy (Path 3), 2% divorce immediately, 12% remain unchanged.

• Emphasizes free choice—not coercion.

Path 3: Committing to Therapy

• Involves eight principles: personal change, no divorce talk, supportive confidants, clear agendas.

• Begins couples therapy with focused goals and higher commitment.

“Sermon Counseling” and Language Use

• For near-breakup couples, language and framing matter.

• Therapist neutrality is crucial—training emphasizes clarity and vocabulary.

Training and Accessibility

• Online training and Q&As available.

• Certification and insurance coverage encouraged to improve access and quality.

Collaboration with Legal and Faith Professionals

• Lawyers assess ambivalence and refer clients.

• Clergy can use a version that fosters hope and referral.

• Goal: lower the entry bar and broaden accessibility.

Closing Thoughts

• Discernment counseling supports clarity and respect in high-stakes decisions.

• Embraces ambivalence instead of rushing change.

• Ends with appreciation for participants and a call for broader adoption and training.