CC15 Workshop 06 - Lies and Deception: The Deep Pit Couples Fall Into When Differentiation Fails - Ellyn Bader, PhD and Sue Diamond Potts, MA, RCC

Description:

Everybody lies. Some lies are loving and harmless. But, others are enormously destructive. Couples’ patterns of deception often begin innocently but end in couples destroying the love they once had. Self- deception, conflict avoidance and felony lies all undermine commitment and connection. Learn to identify and disrupt deception, confront evasiveness and hypocrisy and facilitate differentiation.

Educational Objectives:

1. Delineate 4 main types of lies.
2. Describe 6 types of confrontation to disrupt patterns of deception and facilitate differentiation.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Introduction and Setup

• Speaker welcomes participants and shares experience in couples therapy.
• Adds humor about their background in wrestling and therapy.
• Introduces interest in the role of lies and deception in relationships.

Lying in Relationships – Dear Abby Example

• Shares a Dear Abby letter: a man lies about spending habits.
• Abby’s blunt advice: "act like a man" and budget together.
• Quotes Oscar Wilde: "The truth is rarely pure and never simple."
• Discusses lying as a universal human trait—even children do it.
• Personal story: lying about a purchase price.

Survey Findings on Lying

• Survey of 665 couples:
  • 33% of women and 40% of men admitted to lying to their partner in the past year.
  • Men more likely to believe honesty would improve their relationship.
• Reasons for lying:
  • Conflict avoidance
  • Fear of hurting a partner
  • Self-image protection

Loving Lies & Lies of Omission

• Early relationship “loving lies” help build compatibility:
  • Exaggerating positives or building partner’s self-esteem.
• Common “lies of omission” include hiding significant personal details.
• Example: A man secretly celibate until after marriage.

Conflict Avoidance and the Dark Side of the Honeymoon

• Dark side of the honeymoon: Avoiding conflict leads to deception.
• Examples of:
  • Finessing hard topics
  • Hiding uncomfortable truths
  • Rationalizing conflict avoidance
• Video clip: A couple misses emotional connection due to avoidance.

Infidelity – Complexity and Impact

• Infidelity framed as betrayal of trust, loyalty, and intimacy.
• Four unique cases shared, each with different emotional and sexual dynamics.
• Stresses the complexity of interpersonal and intrapsychic issues in infidelity.

Confronting Lies in Therapy

• Importance of addressing deception directly.
• Explains types of confrontation:
  • Soft → Hard
• Goal: Break repetitive negative loops and foster change.
• Example: A husband lies for 18 months, wife craves truth and clarity.

Case Study – Infidelity and Self-Deception

• Detailed case:
  • Husband rationalizes affair, claims no betrayal.
  • Speaker challenges self-deception and avoidance patterns.
• Couple enters therapy with different goals (divorce vs. repair).

Jealousy and Its Effects

• Explores jealousy’s internal impact more than external behavior.
• Video example: Husband’s relationship with ex-wife sparks jealousy.
• Couple learns to manage internal fears, increasing honesty.

Final Thoughts

• Speaker stresses power of honesty and authenticity in building strong relationships.
• Highlights need for therapists to confront deception gently but firmly.
• Shares daughter’s definition of jealousy: “wanting what someone else has”.
• Closes workshop reflecting on the complicated nature of lies, jealousy, and infidelity in therapy.