Internal Boundaries and Resentment
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Resentment doesn’t come from having healthy internal boundaries—it comes from misusing them or over-accommodating.
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Boundary work is about personal responsibility and emotional containment, not control.
Understanding Internal Boundaries
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Internal boundaries are like psychological skin—they protect your inner world and regulate emotional input/output.
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Containment helps avoid leaking feelings onto others; failure of containment often stems from grandiosity.
Practical Exercise on Internal Boundaries
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Participants imagine a protective force field to hold themselves in and filter external feedback.
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The goal is to feel powerful while letting in true information and staying emotionally contained.
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Appropriate shame (not toxic shame) is discussed as a sign of conscience.
Storytelling and Boundary Work
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Speaker shares a humorous but impactful story to illustrate boundary crossing and learning to take in feedback.
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Emphasis on allowing appropriate shame and taking responsibility without collapsing into guilt.
Dealing with Over-Accommodation
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Over-accommodation leads to resentment and a victim stance.
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Speaker encourages clients to stop “being a victim” and start owning their choices.
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Personal story illustrates how breaking this pattern empowers relational clarity.
Core Negative Images (CNIs)
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CNIs are distorted views of one’s partner at their worst, often triggered during conflict.
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Recognizing CNIs helps partners understand recurring tension and patterns.
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CNIs serve as "operating instructions"—know what triggers and soothes your partner.
Exercise on Core Negative Images
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Participants list their CNI of their partner, and what they think their partner’s CNI is of them.
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Focus is on identifying patterns and behaviors that escalate or ease conflict.
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Encourages honest expression and mutual reflection.
Impact of Core Negative Images on Relationships
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CNIs often lead to repetitive, unresolved conflict loops.
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Couples must name and disarm these patterns through understanding and empathy.
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Story examples show how CNIs fuel resentment unless directly addressed.
Strategies for Managing Core Negative Images
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Don’t try to disprove your partner’s CNI—understand what behavior triggers it.
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Be aware of your own behaviors and how they reinforce CNIs.
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Use proactive communication to interrupt the cycle.
Catherine's CNI and Her Partner's Behavior
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Catherine sees her partner as needy, anxious, judgmental; he sees her as avoidant and secretive.
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Dynamic: he’s boundaryless and dependent; she’s walled off.
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Therapy focus: help her connect without over-accommodating.
Sharon's CNI and Her Partner's Behavior
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Sharon and her partner both display one-up, boundaryless behavior.
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Each views the other as controlling and rigid.
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Main losing strategies: being right and controlling.
Megan's CNI and Her Boyfriend's Behavior
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Megan sees her boyfriend as selfish and emotionally immature; he sees her as relentless and controlling.
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Both are operating from one-up, boundaryless positions with reactive strategies.
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Therapy goal: shift from blame to accountability.
Winning Strategies and Techniques
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Five winning strategies: go after what you want, listen to understand, respond generously, empower your partner, cherish what you have.
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Use positive requests, not complaints.
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Feedback wheel: what I experienced, what I made up, how I felt, what I’d like.
Elaine's CNI and Bridge Partner's Behavior
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Elaine feels controlled and humiliated in public by her bridge partner.
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Uses feedback wheel to express her experience and request change.
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Speaker advises setting firm limits if disrespect continues.
Heather's Question and Moderateness
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Heather’s husband is rigid and irritable.
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Strategy: meet his intensity with moderation, not escalation.
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Take breaks when needed, stay grounded, avoid moral superiority.
