Talking is the most dangerous thing most people do, and listening is the most infrequent. Participants in this workshop will learn that “how” we talk, not “what” we talk about is the source of all human conflict. And they will learn a new way of talking without criticism, listening without judgment, and connecting beyond difference that will be transformative in all aspects of their lives, including how they do couple’s therapy.
Stressed out, burned out couples don’t have the time or energy to take care of themselves, let alone to nurture their relationship. They come to couples therapy, but then say they’re too busy when they don’t apply what is discussed in session. They’re cutting corners on sleep, diet, and exercise and thereby have less cognitive and emotional bandwidth, including for their partner. They’re more irritable with each other, less patient, and less tolerant of differences. They can easily fall into a zero-sum tug of war where both partners hope for more support from the other, but neither has it to give, furthering the discontent with each other.
Everyone knows the obvious good advice on sleep, diet, and exercise, yet then doesn’t always do it. What does this poor self-care reveal about the individual or the relationship? What are the deeper individual and relationship dynamics that interfere with this self-care?
Stressed out, burned out couples don’t have the time or energy to take care of themselves, let alone to nurture their relationship. They come to couples therapy, but then say they’re too busy when they don’t apply what is discussed in session. They’re cutting corners on sleep, diet, and exercise and thereby have less cognitive and emotional bandwidth, including for their partner. They’re more irritable with each other, less patient, and less tolerant of differences. They can easily fall into a zero-sum tug of war where both partners hope for more support from the other, but neither has it to give, furthering the discontent with each other.
Everyone knows the obvious good advice on sleep, diet, and exercise, yet then doesn’t always do it. What does this poor self-care reveal about the individual or the relationship? What are the deeper individual and relationship dynamics that interfere with this self-care?
Gay men in our culture are mythologized, pathologized, envied, ignored, and oversimplified. Clinicians may be experts in treating heterosexual couples, but too often they miss out on the most effective interventions for this specific population. Men presenting for couples treatment are frequently seeking closer ties—while simultaneously embracing independence and avoidant behaviors. These norms are accepted within the gay community and are also considered norms of masculinity for cisgender men. The couples therapist faces the challenge of transcending these norms and suggesting an intimacy regime that is satisfactory for men. To be effective, it’s essential for clinicians to appreciate community nuances and to feel comfortable talking about gay sexuality. Cultural and racial backgrounds also need to be understood as part of the couples matrix.
Gay men in our culture are mythologized, pathologized, envied, ignored, and oversimplified. Clinicians may be experts in treating heterosexual couples, but too often they miss out on the most effective interventions for this specific population. Men presenting for couples treatment are frequently seeking closer ties—while simultaneously embracing independence and avoidant behaviors. These norms are accepted within the gay community and are also considered norms of masculinity for cisgender men. The couples therapist faces the challenge of transcending these norms and suggesting an intimacy regime that is satisfactory for men. To be effective, it’s essential for clinicians to appreciate community nuances and to feel comfortable talking about gay sexuality. Cultural and racial backgrounds also need to be understood as part of the couples matrix.
The major difference between romantic and real love is that romantic love HAPPENS to you without your choice. It finds you. In contrast, real love is nowhere to be found and it does not exist without your choice. In fact, it comes into being only by an act of will. You create it, and, in that act, you become what you want. This lecture will describe the paradox of “giving what you want” is the only way to get it.
The major difference between romantic and real love is that romantic love HAPPENS to you without your choice. It finds you. In contrast, real love is nowhere to be found and it does not exist without your choice. In fact, it comes into being only by an act of will. You create it, and, in that act, you become what you want. This lecture will describe the paradox of “giving what you want” is the only way to get it.
Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of affair recovery is the worry by the betrayed partner that the unfaithful partner has not in fact ended contact with the affair partner or will re-establish contact. This can be especially pernicious and enduring when the unfaithful partner has been discovered to have had additional contact after vowing to end it. For many betrayed partners, these subsequent discoveries can feel like even deeper betrayals than the initial infidelity, even more salt in the wound. The unfaithful partner will swear up and down that there has not been any additional contact and that there will not be in the future. The betrayed partner desperately wants to believe it, but also needs to protect themself against further pain. The dilemma for both partners (and the therapist) is that we cannot prove a non-event–it’s possible to show that something did happen, but a lack of evidence may also simply mean that it has not yet been discovered. “Is it really over?”
Perhaps one of the most challenging aspects of affair recovery is the worry by the betrayed partner that the unfaithful partner has not in fact ended contact with the affair partner or will re-establish contact. This can be especially pernicious and enduring when the unfaithful partner has been discovered to have had additional contact after vowing to end it. For many betrayed partners, these subsequent discoveries can feel like even deeper betrayals than the initial infidelity, even more salt in the wound. The unfaithful partner will swear up and down that there has not been any additional contact and that there will not be in the future. The betrayed partner desperately wants to believe it, but also needs to protect themself against further pain. The dilemma for both partners (and the therapist) is that we cannot prove a non-event–it’s possible to show that something did happen, but a lack of evidence may also simply mean that it has not yet been discovered. “Is it really over?”
The initial session may be even more important for couple therapy than individual therapy because the partners often have different levels of motivation and competing ideas about what problems to work on. They may also hijack the session when their reactivity is high, and then feel that nothing was accomplished. In this workshop, you will hear three experienced couple therapists describe how they take charge of the first session while communicating empathically with the couple, what key information they gather, and how they form a working alliance with two people who are at odds with each other.