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Audio Stream

CC09 Workshop 02 - Telling the Truth with Love - Terry Real, LICSW


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Topic Areas:
Workshops |  Couples Therapy |  Deception |  Love |  Relational Life Therapy Model (RLT) |  Relationships |  Grandiosity |  Intimacy |  Shame
Categories:
Couples Conference |  Couples Conference 2009 |  Pioneers in Couples and Family Therapy
Faculty:
Terry Real, LICSW
Duration:
1:55:39
Format:
Audio Only
Original Program Date:
May 01, 2009
License:
Never Expires.



Description

Description:

This workshop will introduce participants to some of the basics of Relational Life Therapy™, a truth-driven therapeutic approach. Participants will learn how to speak with radical precision and honesty to their clients about what they're doing to de-rail their relationships. You will learn how to "join through the truth" in a way that feels both profoundly respectful and compassionate while, at the same time, pulling no punches. We will look at gathering leverage, separating the person from their behavior, looking at the particular issues of grandiosity, and how to enlist a coalition with the adult part of the client.

Educational Objectives:

  1. To describe three ways to become a highly functioning co-parenting team with your partner.
  2. Given a challenging case of parenting, show how to create radical and lasting parenting change.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Tina's Question on Grandiosity and Shame

  • Tina asks whether therapy should focus more on grandiosity or shame

  • Speaker explains grandiosity shouldn't be "loved away" by addressing shame alone

  • Co-dependents often empathize with the wounded child inside the grandiose partner, hoping to heal them

  • Therapists can fall into a similar dynamic and must address deeper structural patterns

The Dynamics of Grandiosity and Co-Dependency

  • Grandiosity defends against deeper pain: shame, inadequacy, abandonment

  • The “triangle” dynamic: grandiose person, co-dependent partner, wounded child within the grandiose

  • Trying to reach the child within does not dissolve grandiosity—boundaries are needed

  • Co-dependents mistakenly think nurturing will fix the dynamic

False Empowerment and Multi-Generational Dynamics

  • False empowerment: when people are elevated into grandiosity by others (often family)

  • Abuse includes both indulgence (over-empowerment) and deficiency (neglect or devaluation)

  • Pia Melody’s work on abuse: both indulgence and shamelessness are harmful

  • Important to understand generational messages reinforcing grandiosity

Training Programs and Certification

  • Training available in various U.S. cities, with a minimum number of participants

  • Information available on the speaker’s website

  • Speaker invites therapists to help spread the model and reach out with questions

Therapeutic Approaches and Client Empowerment

  • In individual therapy, empower clients without pathologizing emotions

  • Teach boundary-setting, emotional containment, and respectful expression

  • Emphasize mutual respect in both personal and therapeutic relationships

Challenges in Couples Therapy

  • Use readings, teleclasses, and relational life therapy tools to build skills

  • Encourage full respect living and emotional assertiveness

  • Therapists should model transparency and authenticity

Addressing Grandiosity in Individual Therapy

  • Work with the client’s stated reasons for staying in difficult relationships

  • Recognize the difference between feelings and actions

  • Example: a client stayed in a hard marriage for her kids, then left once they were grown

Therapist Stance and Use of Self

  • Relational Life Therapy encourages therapist authenticity and appropriate self-disclosure

  • Use personal experience to build rapport without shifting the focus

  • Move away from traditional transference neutrality when needed

Empowering the Latent in Relationships

  • Latents are typically more relational and less confrontational

  • Therapy often involves taking the side of the latent to help them stand up for themselves

  • Help clients recognize and own their part in dysfunctional dynamics

Leverage and Consequences in Therapy

  • Use leverage (kids, consequences, partner’s pain) to motivate change

  • Be clear about what happens if issues are not addressed

  • Therapists must stay respectful while being firm

Empowering the Latent in Relationships (continued)

  • Express deep love and set clear boundaries to awaken the latent’s power

  • Example: giving a partner five months to decide if they want to be together

  • Boundaries are a form of cherishing when expressed with care

Defining Blatants and Latents

  • Blatants: overtly dysfunctional—manipulative, dishonest, boundary-violating

  • Latents: quieter but often enabling; need support to set limits

  • Not all blatants are ragers; some act out through passive-aggression or deceit

Working with Couples and Domestic Violence

  • Do not work with couples if there’s a real threat of violence or financial retaliation

  • Therapy must not place clients in unsafe situations

  • Legal separation may be necessary when one partner holds financial power

Preconditions for Intimacy

  • Clients must have a safe, sober environment for relational work

  • Psychiatric issues and acting-out behaviors must be stabilized first

  • Example issues: addiction, OCD, anxiety, untreated depression

Cultural Complications in Relationships

  • Intimate marriage is a modern, Western ideal

  • Cross-cultural couples face layered challenges from acculturation and family roles

  • Clients must accept consequences when defying traditional norms for growth

Calling Forth the Functional Adult

  • Speak to the part of the client that is mature and relational

  • People rise to therapist expectations when called into their best self

  • Experiential techniques help move clients from child state to functional adult

Ultimate Relational Recovery

  • Two halves: top-down (tools, vision, behavior) and deep healing (trauma, inner child)

  • Techniques: EMDR, spiritual healing, body work, trauma groups

  • Healing requires both skill-building and emotional repair

Working with Grandiosity

  • Hold grandiose clients in warm regard while staying centered

  • Use remedial empathy to show the impact of their behavior

  • Example: showing a bullying client how his actions affect his wife

Leverage in Therapy

  • Leverage is critical—find what brought the grandiose partner into therapy

  • Don’t move ahead of your leverage; use it to address resistance

  • Leverage can come from pain, children, or a partner’s ultimatum

Session Length and Frequency

  • Ideal session length: a full day; minimum: 2.5 hours

  • Longer sessions are more effective for deeper work

  • Combine therapy with workshops, seminars, and self-study groups for best results

Credits



Faculty

Terry Real, LICSW's Profile

Terry Real, LICSW Related Seminars and Products


Terry Real, LICSW, is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. He is particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples; he has been in private practice for over twenty-five years. Terry has appeared often as the relationship expert for Good Morning America and ABC News. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as media venues such as Oprah, 20/20, The Today Show, CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today and many others.


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