CC07 Workshop 06 - The Repair Process: Helping Couples Get Back on Track - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

The repair process is a detailed formula for helping someone in a state of hurt or frustration move back into satisfactory connection. The process begins with the speaker, teaching the distressed person how to use the feedback wheel- a fourstep prescription for speaking that is effective and clean. Then we tum to the skills of listening and responding, laying out techniques of radical generosity-a sophisticated way to understand your partner's experience and respond to it in the most responsible, (and disarming) manner.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe how to give honest and truthful criticism to a partner.
2. Given a difficult relationship, show how there is hope for radical and lasting change.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Recap of Morning Session and Relationship Skills

• Emphasis on the gap between traditional relational skills and modern relationship demands

• Intimacy is a biological drive in both men and women

Challenges of Modern Masculinity and Intimacy

• Boys are taught to suppress vulnerability, creating conflict with intimacy needs

• Traditional masculinity clashes with relationship expectations

Cultural and Biological Influences on Relationships

• Biology is not an excuse for poor behavior

• Current cultural roles are misaligned with modern relational goals

• Need for a relational skills revolution

The Nature of Relationships and Disharmony

• Relationships cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair

• Disharmony is natural and must be addressed

• Relational joy comes from connection, not gratification

Phases of Love and Relational Joy

• Love phases: love without knowledge, knowledge without love, mature love

• Disillusionment is a necessary part of growth

• Joy stems from shared connection, not constant pleasure

Losing Strategies in Relationships

• Five losing strategies: being right, controlling, unfiltered expression, retaliation, withdrawal

• Respect and constructive communication are more effective

The Importance of Respect in Relationships

• Disrespect harms relationships; full respect living is essential

• Firmness must not become cruelty

Gender Dynamics in Control and Manipulation

• Men tend toward direct control, women toward indirect

• Both must be addressed and unlearned

Impact of Patriarchal Culture on Women

• Patriarchy also affects women and leads to manipulative roles

• Manipulation is a boundary violation and can be abusive

Men's Perception of Women's Manipulation

• Men sense manipulation and condescension

• Manipulation creates long-term damage despite short-term wins

Freudian Legacy and Emotional Expression

• Critiques the express/suppress binary

• Self-regulation involves choosing when to express, not just venting

Retaliation and Revenge in Relationships

• Retaliation is a toxic form of communication

• Revenge is never constructive

Winning Strategies in Relationships

• Five winning strategies: ask for what you want, complain constructively, respond generously, empower partner, cherish what you have

• Teach your partner what you want clearly and kindly

Effective Listening and Communication

• Three listener types: empathic, problem-solving, sharing

• Listening roles must be negotiated, not assumed

Handling Partner's Behavior and Accountability

• Help partners return to functional adult mode

• Speak humbly from personal truth, not absolute positions

Relational Jiu Jitsu and Listening to Understand

• Let conflict pass rather than meeting it head-on

• Listener’s job is to support repair, not argue

Cultural and Personal Reflections on Relationships

• Relationships aren’t “safe”; intimacy involves risk

• Accountability is key to success

Practical Advice for Improving Relationships

• Be clear, ask for what you want, reward efforts

• Communicate needs like training—clear requests and appreciation

Radical Generosity in Relationships

• Immediate acknowledgment builds trust

• Respond constructively even if you can’t meet every need

The Power of Acknowledgment

• Owning up reduces repeat offenses

• Offer realistic alternatives and lead with agreement

Handling Relationship Negotiations

• Use empathy and tact in discussing difficult topics

• Compromise and mutual understanding are critical

Cultural and Gender Dynamics in Therapy

• Gender may affect delivery, but both can be effective

• Cultural competence is essential in therapy

Addressing Love Addiction and Co-Dependency

• Love addiction and co-dependency often stem from trauma

• Recovery includes self-love and detaching from unhealthy dynamics

The Role of Spirituality in Relationships

• Relationships are a spiritual path that requires humility

• Letting go of ego fosters healing and connection

Navigating Relationship Challenges

• Flexibility and “relational jiu jitsu” defuse conflict

• Prioritize empathy and cooperation

The Importance of Communication in Relationships

• Lead with agreement, not confrontation

• Mutual respect and understanding deepen connection

Addressing Cultural and Personal Boundaries

• Be culturally sensitive while maintaining therapeutic boundaries

• Respect personal and cultural differences

The Role of Personal Growth in Relationships

• Let go of past wounds to grow

• Empathy, presence, and healing are more valuable than winning argument