CC24 Workshop 08 - Living Relationally: Essential Skills - Terry Real, LICSW

This workshop focuses on the critical third phase of RLT – teaching couples how to
actually do it. Four key areas will be introduced and illustrated:
Relational Mindfulness 

1. How to work with and ultimately master our own – and our partners’ reactivity
2. The Three Steps to Getting More of What You Want
3. The Art of Repair
4. Am I Getting Enough? The Tool of “Relational Reckoning”

Learning Objectives:

1. Understand the definition of ‘Relational Mindfulness’ – the core practice
2. Equipping our clients to use their relationships as crucibles for their own transformation.
3. How to give our clients a relational map and tool kit, a relational technology, that has the power to deliver on our new romantic ambitions.

Outline:

Introduction to RLT and Session Structure

• Speaker 1 welcomes participants and encourages interactive questions.

• Introduces Relational Life Therapy (RLT) and outlines its three phases: gathering data, confronting power imbalances, and teaching skills.

• Session focuses on Phase 3: teaching relational skills.

Phase 1: Gathering Data & Power Imbalance

• Emphasizes understanding the truth before confronting it.

• Therapist helps the "latent" (disempowered) partner confront the "blatant" (dominant) partner.

• Highlights difficulty of confronting narcissistic/grandiose individuals.

Phase 2: Teaching Skills & Shifting from Shame

• Moves clients from grandiosity to healthy remorse.

• Differentiates remorse (relational) from shame (isolating).

• Introduces feedback loops like pursuer/distancer patterns.

Phase 3: Loving Confrontation & Systemic Thinking

• Emphasizes compassionate truth-telling and relational patterns.

• Grandiosity impairs empathy—therapists guide clients to “functional moves.”

• Systemic lens reveals repeated behavior patterns within relationships.

Adaptive Child and Mutual Triggers

• Introduces psyche parts: Wise Adult, Wounded Child, Adaptive Child.

• Adaptive Child reacts from childhood patterns (e.g., fight, flight, fix).

• Therapists use role-play to train precise observation and intervention.

Relational Mindfulness & Outcome Detachment

• Encourages detachment from outcome and staying centered during reactivity.

• Promotes skills like time-outs to manage triggers.

• Teaches interdependence and ecological wisdom in relationships.

Loving Power & Relational Empowerment

• Combines love and power to create relational change.

• Distinguishes individual vs. relational empowerment.

• Shares personal story on learning relational strength.

Skills for Relational Living

• Teaches shift from complaint to request; assertive, specific communication.

• Introduces relational joy: deeper than gratification, driven by connection.

• Highlights role of appreciation and feedback.

Responsible Distance Taking

• Discusses how to take space in a relationship with clarity and care.

• Must explain reason and timeline for returning.

• Uses relational joy as a motivator for closeness.

Living Relationally & Handling Resistance

• Speaker 2: When both parties feel “right,” discussions feel crazy.

• Speaker 1: Maturity means tolerating loneliness and dropping the need to win.

• Quote: Arguing facts doesn’t work with someone unyielding.

Objective Reality vs. Emotional Truth

• External “truth” (e.g., smoking) less important than emotional boundaries.

• Relational clarity comes from expressing feelings, not controlling actions.

• Example: Reporting abuse shows when objectivity must be balanced with care.

Working with Grandiosity/Narcissism

• Therapist needs leverage (positive and negative consequences).

• Must “sell” therapy and stay detached from outcome.

• Tip: Lean into the partner’s pain to disrupt grandiose rants.

Empowering the Disempowered

• Teach partners to assertively set boundaries.

• Hold clients in regard while confronting harmful behavior.

• Example: Culturally sensitive boundary-setting in a Haitian family.

Therapist Support & Boundaries

• Therapists should get training and supervision for tough cases.

• If clients won’t engage, refer them out.