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CC23 Workshop 05 - Deep Change: Working with Trauma in Couples Therapy - Terry Real, LICSW

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Topic Areas:
Workshops |  Relational Life Therapy Model (RLT) |  Couples Therapy |  Trauma
Categories:
Couples Conference |  Couples Conference 2023 |  Pioneers in Couples and Family Therapy
Faculty:
Terry Real, LICSW
Duration:
1:20:18
Format:
Audio Only
Original Program Date:
May 05, 2023
License:
Never Expires.
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Tags: Adaptive Child Character Change Emotional Growth Empathic Reversal Experiential Learning Inner Child Reframing Strategic Therapy Tailoring Trauma Utilization Wise Adult

Description

This workshop introduces participants to a new form of couples therapy – one that does deep individual work in the presence of the partner. Most of us, when faced in couples therapy with one or both partners needing trauma work or work on their characters refer these individuals to individual treatment. RLT offers a combination of loving confrontation (Joining through the truth), educational coaching on relational skills, and inner child work that, taken together, produce quick, profound, and lasting change.

Any mental health professional or coach dealing with relational issues in his or her work. It is relevant to both couples therapists and individual therapists with a relational perspective. Anyone interested in how to integrate trauma work into couples therapy. Anyone wishing to go more deeply in their own clinical work.

Learning Objectives:

  1. How to quickly identify and articulate the couple’s choreography, their dynamic, (Eg. The more she pursues, the more he withdraws.)
  2. How to wake up dormant parts of the partners we work with – accountability, for example, or empathy through joining through the truth, the art of loving, highly empathic confrontation.
  3. How to transition smoothly from the present difficulty to family of origin and early childhood, identifying and using resonances – repeating patterns in attitude or behavior.
  4. How to bring the present-based, mature, Functional Adult part of the person into relationship with the Adaptive Child and Wounded Child parts of the person.
  5. How to empower the individual to begin re-parenting his or her inner children – both nurturing and containing them.
  6. How to bring the newly empowered partner back into the couple’s relationship with a creative, new position.
  7. How to debrief with the witnessing partner, amplifying his or her experience of empathy and compassion.

Outline:

Introduction and Initial Engagement

  • Speaker 1 welcomes participants from various regions and asks them to share their location and RLT familiarity.

  • Participants introduce themselves and backgrounds in Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

  • Terry Real introduces himself as founder of the Relational Life Institute and gives an overview of its training programs.

Overview of Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

  • RLT differs from traditional therapy by addressing both shame (one-down) and grandiosity (one-up).

  • Focuses on helping clients achieve real intimacy by rebalancing power dynamics.

  • Emphasizes internal “healthy self-esteem” rather than external validation.

  • Therapists form alliances with the client’s best self and use leverage to drive change.

Phases of RLT and Trauma Work

  • Three phases: waking up the client, joining through the truth, and skill-building.

  • Workshop focuses on phase two: deep trauma work with the partner present.

  • Aims for deep character change, not just behavior change.

  • Utilizes the tripart brain model: wise adult, wounded child, and adaptive child.

Understanding Trauma and Adaptive Children

  • Trauma responses are automatic, rooted in relived past experiences.

  • The adaptive child is a rigid, reactive version of the adult self.

  • Goal is to shift from the adaptive child’s reactions to the wise adult’s choices.

  • Encourages emotional regulation, self-awareness, and taking breaks.

Joining Through the Truth and Empathic Reversal

  • Therapists join with the client’s wise adult to confront truths with warmth.

  • "Empathic reversal": clients have more empathy for caregivers than themselves—this is reversed in therapy.

  • Work involves building compassion for the wounded child and accountability for the adaptive child.

Case Study: Liz, the Rager

  • Liz modeled her rage after her mother; work focuses on healing her teenage self.

  • Rage is reframed as a survival tool, not a character flaw.

  • Liz builds a relationship with her adaptive child and learns containment.

Case Study: David, the Sex Addict

  • David idealized his father and replicated unhealthy relational patterns.

  • Therapy helps him grieve and separate from his father’s influence.

  • He develops a more mature identity, learning both independence and self-regulation.

Q&A and Additional Insights

  • Speaker 1 answers questions on trauma access, partner understanding, relapse, and working with parents.

  • Emphasizes staying relational, simple, and responsive to clients.

Credits

Faculty

Terry Real, LICSW's Profile

Terry Real, LICSW Related Seminars and Products

Terry Real, LICSW, is a nationally recognized family therapist, author, and teacher. He is particularly known for his groundbreaking work on men and male psychology as well as his work on gender and couples; he has been in private practice for over twenty-five years. Terry has appeared often as the relationship expert for Good Morning America and ABC News. His work has been featured in numerous academic articles as well as media venues such as Oprah, 20/20, The Today Show, CNN, The New York Times, The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today and many others.

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