CC23 Workshop 03 - Loving Power: Intimacy Beyond Patriarchy - Terry Real, LICSW

Under patriarchy – the framework we all live within – one can be connected or powerful; but not both at the same time. This workshop gives nuts and bolts technique for helping our clients discover “soft” or “loving” power. How to stand up for one’s self and cherish one’s partner, and the relationship, in the same breath. How one partner can help empower the other to come through for them, a win/win for both. 

Learn how to teach clients the 3 steps to getting what you want

– Daring to rock the boat 

– Teaching them what you want 

– Encouraging, rather than discouraging, progress

Learning Objectives:

1. How to move beyond traditional gender binaries allowing for assertion and appreciation simultaneously 
2. Learning the Three Phases of getting what you want
3. Learning a model of moving clients into mutual employment – more assertion up front, less resentment on the back end

Outline:

Introduction and Participant Engagement

• Chase invites participants to introduce themselves in the chat, creating community across the US, Canada, and Mexico.

• Many express familiarity and appreciation for Terry Real’s work and Relational Life Therapy (RLT).

Terry Real’s Background and Work

• Terry introduces himself as a 72-year-old couples and family therapist, married for 40 years.

• Mentions his books, including Us (NYT bestseller) and I Don’t Want to Talk About It (on male depression).

• Describes RLT as focused on healing relational trauma and fostering connection.

The Concept of Loving Power

• Introduces “loving power”: combining connection and power in relationships.

• Critiques patriarchy for forcing a false choice between connection and power.

• Emphasizes relational over individual growth and promotes “ecological humility” in partnerships.

Challenges of Individual Empowerment

• Warns against therapy that empowers individuals at the cost of the relationship.

• Uses Annie Hall as an example of personal empowerment overriding connection.

• Advocates for “helping them win” as enlightened self-interest within a relationship.

RLT Techniques and Phases

• RLT includes three phases: loving confrontation, trauma work, and skill-building.

• Key to change is accessing the “wise adult” instead of reactive child parts.

• Uses the concepts of the adaptive child and wounded child to guide interventions.

Self-Disclosure in Therapy

• Terry emphasizes therapist self-disclosure to build relatability and client trust.

• Stresses balancing vulnerability with professionalism.

Navigating Individual Sessions

• Prefers working with couples together but allows separate sessions when needed.

• Emphasizes clear boundaries, confidentiality, and transparent contracting.

Addressing Narcissism (Grandiosity)

• Uses “grandiosity” rather than clinical labels like narcissism.

• Focuses on clients’ willingness to engage in the work rather than on diagnoses.

• Shares how RLT can guide couples dealing with narcissistic traits.

Trauma and the Relational Field

• Defines trauma as a rupture in the relational field.

• Encourages doing trauma work in the presence of the partner to build intimacy.

• Highlights the need for clients to use their wise adult in healing and communication.

Conclusion and Q&A

• Terry recaps key RLT principles: connection, accountability, and skill development.

• Engages in a Q&A, answering questions on self-disclosure, individual work, and narcissism in relationships.