CC19 Workshop 15 - Advanced Relational Life Therapy (RLT) - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

This workshop moves beyond the first phase of RLT to detail the theory and technique of phase two: Family Of Origin Work, trauma and Inner Child Work. In phase one we identified each partner’s relational stance and how the two stances combine to produce the couple’s choreography – the vicious circle they come to us trapped within. Now we travel through the stance back to where it first came from – the particular childhood experiences each partner’s Adaptive Child part was adapting to. Focusing on one partner at a time, we extract the young child part and imaginatively engage it – begin to relate to it. The therapist facilitates an explicit, caring relationship between the person’s Functional Adult self and the Adaptive Child part that has fueled the dysfunctional relational stance.

Educational Objectives:

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

1. List the pros and cons of inner child work in couples therapy.
2. Distinguish between wounded and adaptive child parts.
3. Explain the techniques for facilitating a healing relationship between child and adult parts of self.

Outline:

Advanced Relational Life Therapy Workshop Introduction

• Held at the Milton H. Erickson Foundation’s 2019 Couples Conference in Manhattan Beach, CA.

• Speaker 2 welcomes participants, noting the smaller audience size and promising practical tools.

• The workshop will focus heavily on the Relationship Grid.

Introduction to the Relationship Grid

• The grid maps two key dimensions: boundaries and self-esteem.

• Core idea: Everyone has equal essential worth—self-esteem should not be externally derived.

• The grid divides into four quadrants based on high/low self-esteem and boundary function.

Exploring Different Forms of Self-Esteem

• Performance-based esteem: Based on achievement.

• Other-based esteem: Based on how others regard you (more common in women).

• Attribute-based esteem: Based on possessions or status (e.g., wealth, attractiveness).

The Impact of Patriarchy and Contempt

• Patriarchy splits traits into "masculine" (valued) and "feminine" (devalued).

• Three rings:

  1. Great divide – qualities are split and ranked.

  2. Dance of contempt – grandiosity (masculine) vs. shame (feminine).

  3. Core collusion – feminine defers to masculine, even when hurt.

The Role of Shame and Grandiosity

• Both are expressions of contempt: shame turns it inward; grandiosity projects it outward.

• Grandiosity feels good but impairs empathy and judgment.

• Therapists should help clients “step off the contempt belt” toward healthy self-esteem.

Practical Exercises for Building Self-Esteem

• Keep a self-esteem journal to track moments of shame or superiority.

• Practice centering and “breathing down” from grandiosity.

• Goal: Build the “muscle” of grounded, equal self-worth.

Understanding Boundaries and the Relationship Grid

• Internal boundaries: containment—keep emotions/impulses in.

• External boundaries: protection—keep harmful input out.

• Practice by asking: “Is this statement true for me?”

• The grid helps visualize how different self-esteem + boundary levels shape interactions.

Dynamic Interactions in Relationships

• Boundaryless + one down → desperation, co-dependency, control.

• Boundaryless + one up → entitlement, aggression, abuse.

• Walled off + one down → depression, resignation.

• Walled off + one up → meanness, passive aggression, withholding.

Applying the Relationship Grid in Therapy

• Use the grid to diagnose relational patterns and inform interventions.

• Helps therapists and clients identify and shift unhealthy dynamics.

• Participants encouraged to place themselves and their partners on the grid.

• Workshop ends with Q&A for further clinical application.