CC16 Workshop 08 - Lies and Deception: The Deep Pit Couples Fall Into When Differentiation Fails - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Everybody lies. Some lies are loving and harmless. But, others are enormously destructive. Couples’ patterns of deception often begin innocently but end in couples destroying the love they once had. Self- deception, conflict avoidance and felony lies all undermine commitment and connection. Learn to identify and disrupt deception, confront evasiveness and hypocrisy and facilitate differentiation.

Educational Objectives:

1. Delineate 4 main types of lies.
2. Describe 6 types of confrontation that help disrupt patterns of deception and facilitate differentiation.
3. Reveal the complex pattern created between a Felony Liar and a Lie Invitee. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

• Workshop Introduction

  • Focuses on lies, deception, and hidden issues in relationships like gambling, affairs, and addictions.
  • Audience shares challenges with clients lying; Dear Abby anecdote highlights financial dishonesty.

• Lying in Relationships

  • Lying is common among partners, friends, and parents; silence can be as damaging as lying.
  • Survey: 1/3 of women, 40% of men admit to significant lying; men more likely to think honesty would improve their relationship.
  • Common reasons: fear of conflict, rejection, embarrassment.

• Lies, Conflict Avoidance & Relationship Stages

  • "Loving lies" build compatibility early but may fuel entrenched patterns.
  • Conflict-avoiding lies (omissions, sneaky behavior) deepen disconnection.
  • Developmental model shows risks of getting stuck in early stages, leading to passive-aggressive or felony lies.

• Detecting Deception in Therapy

  • Therapists struggle to detect lies; studies show partners are worse at it than strangers.
  • Truth-telling includes rich details, feelings, and coherent timelines.
  • Cultural norms and institutions can enable dishonesty.

• Jealousy and "Lie Invitees"

  • Lie-invitees discourage truth-telling through reactions or emotional fragility.
  • Jealousy often drives dishonesty; therapists encourage openness about interactions.

• Confronting Lies & Infidelity

  • Address types of confrontation: soft, empathic, indirect, hard, bombshell.
  • Infidelity sessions highlight self-deception, conflict avoidance, and complexity of rebuilding trust.

• Therapeutic Interventions & Engagement Exercise

  • Help clients integrate self-absorbed and aspirational parts.
  • Engagement continuum exercise helps clients assess empathy vs. self-absorption.
  • Encourages clients to stretch toward more connection and gratitude.

• Case Study: Self-Absorbed Addict Couple

  • Wife (recovering addict) and caretaker husband struggle with unmet needs.
  • Therapist helps the wife stay present, leading to a breakthrough.
  • Husband opens up about his fears; both commit to better communication.

• Gratitude & Closing

  • Clients receive appreciation cards to build gratitude habits.
  • Story of a Kenyan man overcoming adversity underscores resilience and gratitude.
  • Workshop ends with a video highlighting hope and appreciation.