CC16 Keynote 05 - Me or We or Them – Who Do I Belong To? - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

All couples and couples therapies struggle with issues of mixed loyalties. At any given moment, do I choose my own fulfillment as an individual or do I yield to the needs of the relationship? Is it a zero-sum game in which one partner wins and one loses – and if not, how else can we think about it? This keynote address introduces a model integrating both attachment and differentiation in couples therapy through the idea of enlightened self-interest – taking care of yourself by taking care of the relationship – as well as a model of healthy sacrifice, which is missing in our contemporary, Narcissistic culture. Finally, the balance of I and We always plays out against the backdrop of Family of Origin. We bring to the present the models of relationship we grew up with and our loyalty to those early relationships. Dare we move beyond our own parents? Can we be happier than they were? Can we transform the legacy handed down to us? An intense case will be discussed and shown illustrating the therapist’s role in helping couples arrive at a vigorous balance of self and relationship by moving beyond their family of origin loyalties.

Educational Objectives:

1. Define the concept of; “Keeping a parent spiritual company.”
2. Describe how to apply an ecological perspective to relationships and couple’s therapy.
3. Explain how to move both men and women beyond their traditional codes into increased intimacy. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Personal Achievements of Terry Real

• Introduced as a best-selling author and founder of the Relational Life Institute.

• Most proud of his marriage to Belinda and his two sons’ close relationship.

• Noted for leading a men’s group for Maasai warriors, showcasing his relational skill.

• Opens by engaging the audience about their roles as therapists and partners.

Terry Real's Clinical Practice and Relational Interventions

• Practices in Boston, offering two-day intensives for couples on the brink.

• Helps couples decide whether to stay or divorce; high success rate.

• Breaks traditional therapy rules to prioritize results.

• Introduces Relational Life Therapy (RLT), developed alongside Esther Perel.

Patriarchy and Psychological Patriarchy

• Distinguishes political vs. psychological patriarchy.

• Psychological patriarchy: shame-grandiosity dynamics between individuals.

• Describes three layers: halving process (great divide), dance of contempt, and core collusion.

• Therapists must break the collusion and speak truth to power.

Joining Through the Truth and Functional Adult Part

• Therapists align with clients by telling the truth lovingly and supportively.

• Draws from Pia Melody’s psyche model: functional adult, wounded child, adaptive child.

• Goal is to shift clients from adaptive child to functional adult.

• Therapists must prioritize the relationship over their own triggers.

Dysfunctional Relational Stances and Teaching Intimacy

• Couples often reinforce each other’s dysfunctional patterns (e.g., angry pursuer).

• Angry pursuit is a pseudo-complaint, not seductive or effective.

• Three-phase model: confront dysfunction, do inner child work, teach new skills.

• Emphasizes teaching clients what healthy intimacy looks like.

Video Demonstration and Joining Through the Truth

• Plays a video to show gender roles, communication, and therapist technique.

• Helps a couple on the brink reconnect and move forward.

• Demonstrates holding the decent part of the client in warm regard while correcting behavior.

• Shows how truth and love must coexist in effective therapy.

Summary and Final Thoughts

• Old gender roles don’t work for modern intimate relationships.

• Helping clients become intimate is helping them exit patriarchy.

• Encourages direct communication; competence is more important than therapist gender.

• Concludes with a call for therapists to be truthful and bold.