CC15 Keynote 07 - Discernment Counseling for “Mixed Agenda” Couples - William Doherty, PhD

Description:

What do you do with couples who are split on trying to working on their relationship or calling it quits? They are often poor candidate for traditional couples therapy but they are idea candidates for "Discernment Counseling," a creative way of working with couples our therapy models are not designed for. We will discuss the difference between couples therapy and discernment counseling.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Challenges in Mixed Agenda Couples Therapy

• Mixed agenda couples: one partner wants to work on the relationship; the other is ambivalent or leaning out.

• Therapists often feel frustrated, helpless, or guilty, and may unintentionally pathologize the disengaged partner.

• Issues like secrecy or affairs can complicate emotional dynamics and therapeutic alignment.

Betty Carter’s Influence

• Carter proposed a non-biased approach: support each partner in reaching personal clarity, without favoring reconciliation or separation.

• Goal is to understand each partner’s pain and role in the relationship breakdown.

• Helps leaning-in partners bring their best selves, and leaning-out partners make informed decisions.

Introduction to Discernment Counseling

• A short-term, pre-therapy model for couples with mixed agendas.

• Purpose: gain clarity and confidence—not to repair the relationship immediately.

• Couples choose one of three paths: stay as is, separate/divorce, or commit to 6 months of therapy with divorce off the table.

Structure of Sessions

• Starts with a joint session for background and “divorce narrative.”

• Followed by individual sessions and a summary check-in together.

• Focus is on reflection and personal responsibility, not change or reconciliation.

Case Example: Bruce and Rebecca

• Bruce (leaning in) and Rebecca (leaning out) had prior failed therapy.

• Discernment counseling helped them understand their emotional pain and relational roles.

• Case highlights how structured clarity work can shift perspectives and open space for better decisions.

Training and Practice Integration

• Therapists are encouraged to identify mixed agenda couples early.

• DiscernmentCounseling.com offers training modules and webinars.

• The model creates a safe space for ambivalence and supports more thoughtful decision-making.