CC13 Workshop 06 - Lies and Deception: The Deep Pit Couples Fall Into When Differentiation Fails - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Everybody lies. Some lies are loving and harmless. But, others are enormously destructive. Couples’ patterns of deception often begin innocently but end in couples destroying the love they once had. Self deception, conflict avoidance and felony lies all undermine commitment and connection. We’ll use clinical videos and transcripts to identify and disrupt deception. You’ll learn to successfully confront the evasiveness, hypocrisy and avoidance that keep couples developmentally arrested and differentiation failing.

Educational Objectives:

1. Delineate four main types of lies.
2. Describe six types of confrontation to disrupt patterns of deception and facilitate differentiation.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Understanding Lies in Relationships

• Workshop focus: Helping therapists navigate lies and deception in couples work.
• Read a "Dear Abby" letter about financial lying—highlights the complexity beyond simple advice.
• Lying is universal—starts early, even in babies.

Types & Continuum of Lies

• Lies include theft, fraud, betrayal, omissions, self-deception, and deception of partners.
• Lies range from minor omissions to deliberate, damaging deceptions.
• Some lies aim to maintain attachment; others abuse it.
• Survey finding: More men than women think their relationship would improve with greater honesty.

Loving Lies & the Romantic Stage

• Early relationships often involve "loving lies" to create compatibility (e.g., false compliments).
• These lies build initial attachment but aren’t sustainable long-term.
• Personal story shared: Early deception helped form a bond.

Why Couples Lie

• Reasons: to look good, avoid hurting the partner, protect self-esteem, avoid conflict, or hide shame.
• Many couples aren’t immoral—just lack the personal development to handle hard truths.
• Introduced the “dark side of the honeymoon”—conflict avoidance leading to secrets and deception.

Detecting Deception

• People think they detect lies well but actually worsen at it over time.
• Partners detect lies in strangers better than in each other.
• Shown video of a couple stuck in conflict avoidance leading to deeper issues like infidelity.

Case Study: Jealousy and the Ex-Wife

• A wife’s jealousy over her husband’s ex is wrecking their marriage.
• Explored insecurity, guilt, evasiveness, and the need for direct communication.
• Therapists must support differentiation and manage tension.

The Role of Differentiation

• Differentiation: Revealing more of oneself while handling partner tension.
• Crucial for honesty and strong relationships.
• Introduced the “lie invitee”—a partner who creates conditions where lying feels safer than honesty.

Felony Lies & Narcissism

• Felony lies: Purposeful, harmful lies often from narcissistic or sociopathic behavior.
• Examples: gaslighting, financial betrayal.
• Case shared: Husband’s felony lies caused emotional and financial devastation.

The Art of Confrontation

• Six types of confrontation:
  • Soft
  • Empathic
  • Gentle but tough
  • Indirect
  • Hard
  • Bombshell
• Importance of pacing confrontations and tailoring them to the situation.
• Confrontation helps couples break repetitive, destructive cycles.

Case Study: Infidelity and Conflict Avoidance

• Couple faces infidelity; husband in denial, wife avoids conflict.
• Therapist uses indirect confrontation to push past avoidance.
• Wife’s role as a lie invitee and eventual willingness to listen is key to progress.

Final Reflections

• Emotional muscle-building is essential for honest relationships.
• Therapists must help clients face their role in creating deception cycles.
• Poem shared about the difficulty of telling truth from lies in love.
• Closing: Confrontation is crucial—therapists support couples through these tough but necessary conversations.