CC12 Topical Panel 01 - Infidelity: What is the Essence of the Crisis for the Couple? What are the Challenges for the Therapist? - Ellyn Bader, PhD; Helen Fisher, PhD; John Gottman, PhD; Esther Perel, MA, LMFT
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- Topic Areas:
- Infidelity | Couples Therapy | Topical Panels | Attachment | Clinical Psychology | Evolutionary Psychology | Relationships | Sex and Sexuality | Sociology
- Categories:
- Couples Conference | Couples Conference 2012
- Faculty:
- Ellyn Bader, PhD | Helen E. Fisher, PhD | John Gottman, PhD | Esther Perel, MA, LMFT
- Course Levels:
- Master Degree or Higher in Health-Related Field
- Duration:
- 55:04
- Format:
- Audio and Video
- Original Program Date:
- Apr 28, 2012
- License:
- Never Expires.
Description
Description:
Educational Objectives:
- To compare and contrast clinical and philosophical perspectives of experts.
*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*
Outline
Panel Introduction & Overview
- Speakers: Helen Fisher, Ellen Bader, Esther Perel, and John Gottman.
- Topic: Infidelity’s impact on couples and therapy.
- Infidelity framed as a betrayal of modern egalitarian marital expectations and trust.
Evolutionary & Psychological Perspectives
- Evolutionary view: Infidelity tied to reproductive strategies (bluebird story).
- Adultery is common across cultures, driven by longing, yearning, and genetic predisposition.
- Stats shared: 64% of men and 34% of women in happy marriages still cheat.
- Reflection on survival, reproduction, and the complexity of human desires.
Challenges of Research & Therapy
- Research is slow and limited for addressing couples' intense pain post-affair.
- Clinicians must rely on intuition and practice-based evidence.
- Therapy is likened to interpreting music—each therapist offers a unique perspective.
- Infidelity cases are unpredictable and require nuanced clinical judgment.
Value Neutrality in Therapy
- Debate: Should therapists stay value neutral?
- Argument against neutrality: Understanding infidelity requires cultural and personal context.
- Emphasis on values like commitment, love, and loyalty as core to health and relationship success.
- Secrets and disclosure remain challenging areas in infidelity work.
Complexity, Patience, and Long-Term Work
- Infidelity cases involve layered complexity—therapy often takes years.
- Affairs don’t always lead to new relationships; positive recovery is possible.
- Therapists must manage secrets, trust, and motivation to stay in the work.
Personal and Clinical Challenges
- Case example: A woman negotiates financial protection after betrayal.
- Navigating self-destructive behavior and helping partners confront the truth.
- Memory differences: women tend to remember infidelity details more vividly than men.
- Addressing unforgiveness and the emotional scars of betrayal.
Cybersex & Internet Pornography
- Cyber affairs add new complexities—intimate yet unstable connections.
- Internet changes relationship dynamics (marriage revolution).
- Emotional experiences of virtual infidelity impact real relationships.
Polyamory & Infidelity
- Question raised about polyamory as a solution to infidelity.
- Polyamory can work but requires high differentiation, communication, and managing jealousy.
- Evolutionary basis for jealousy challenges the sustainability of polyamorous arrangements.
Final Thoughts
- Panel highlights the evolutionary, psychological, and cultural layers of infidelity.
- Acknowledges the changing landscape of relationships and the therapist’s role in adapting.
- Session ends with gratitude and audience Q&A invitation.
Credits
Faculty
Ellyn Bader, PhD Related Seminars and Products
Ellyn Bader, PhD, is a founder and director of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, California. As a clinical psychologist, workshop leader, author, and speaker, she is dedicated to helping couples create extraordinary relationships. Over the past 30 years she has trained therapists in couples therapy throughout the United States as well as Europe, Asia, South America, and Australia. She served as a Clinical Faculty in Stanford University School of Medicine for 8 years.
Helen E. Fisher, PhD Related Seminars and Products
Helen E. Fisher, PhD, is a biological anthropologist and a Research Professor in the Department of Anthropology at Rutgers University. She has written five books on the evolution and future of human sexuality, monogamy, adultery and divorce, gender differences in the brain, the chemistry of romantic love, and most recently, human personality types and why we fall in love with one person rather than another.
John Gottman, PhD Related Seminars and Products
John Gottman, PhD, was one of the Top 10 Most Influential Therapists of the past quarter-century by the Psychotherapy Networker. Dr. Gottman is a professor emeritus in psychology known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis through scientific direct observations, many of which were published in peer-reviewed literature. He is the author or co-author of over 200 published academic articles and more than 40 books, including the bestselling The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work; What Makes Love Last; The Relationship Cure; Why Marriages Succeed or Fail; and Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child, among many others.
Esther Perel, MA, LMFT Related Seminars and Products
Esther Perel, MA, LMFT, is the best-selling author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, translated into 25 languages. Fluent in nine of them, the Belgian native is a practicing psychotherapist, celebrated speaker and organizational consultant to Fortune 500 companies. The New York Times, in a cover story, named her the most important game changer on sexuality and relationships since Dr. Ruth. Her critically acclaimed viral TED Talks have collectively reached over 10 million viewers.