CC11 Workshop 10 – The Hostile/Angry Couple - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Overtly angry and passive-aggressive partners often present the most difficulty for therapists. They frequently demand intimacy, while being unable to create the conditions for intimacy to occur or be sustained. They require a high level of activity from you to structure treatment, manage hostility in the office and confront hypocrisies that keep their development stalled. Learn to increase your personal strengths to harness the enormous developmental potential that exists in these couples.

Educational Objectives:

1. Develop 5 Core Competencies for effectively managing angry, fighting couples.
2. Confront Paradoxes and Hypocrisies that support regression and maintain negative cycles.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

Evolution of Couples Therapy

• Speaker reflects on early skepticism and faculty turf wars (1984).
• Notes growth, excitement, and mainstream recognition (e.g., Vogue article).
• Workshop theme: Therapists as more than relationship supervisors.

Speaker’s Background & Commitment

• Extensive experience with couples, though not a heavy researcher.
• Passionate about global therapist training to reduce unnecessary divorces.
• Stresses therapist self-development and blending science and art in practice.

Introduction to Hostile, Angry Couples

• Uses "Lockhorns" cartoon to illustrate the dynamic.
• Workshop format: theory + live session with a hostile couple.
• Common issues: rapid escalation, sensitivity to confrontation, no repair, avoidance of vulnerability.

Key Characteristics of Hostile Couples

• Eight persistent problems: high conflict, trauma triggers, poor repair skills, blame-shifting.
• Lack of self-responsibility; demand for intimacy without emotional capacity.
• Warning: Therapists must avoid becoming part of the couple's offloading dynamic.

Therapist’s Role & Developmental Focus

• Therapists drive change through positioning, optimism, and developmental focus.
• Tailor interventions to each couple’s developmental stage.
• Importance of differentiation: identifying and managing internal conflicts.

Case Study: The Nanny & The Rowdy Farm Boy

• Background: Childhood experiences drive present behaviors (blame, withdrawal).
• Focus: Uncover motivations and help them own their work.
• Key: Link past traumas to current dynamics to foster change.

Addressing Emotional Intensity & Anger

• Introduces “Twilight Zone” technique to reframe past trauma.
• Uses repetition and soothing words to help couples calm and reconnect.
• Therapist’s role: create a safe space for deep emotional work.

Rapid Repair Technique

• Tool to interrupt conflict cycles: "Ouch" signals hurt, invites empathy.
• Practice in session before trying at home.
• Encourages teamwork and skill-building for better conflict management.

Conclusion & Final Takeaways

• Recap: High-leverage session starts, therapist leadership, developmental assists.
• Encourages therapists to stay committed to making a difference in relationships.
• Thanks participants and closes the workshop.