CC09 Workshop 10 - Fifteen Strategies for Working with Couples - PART 1 - Cloe Madanes, Lic Psic, HDL

Description:

Madanes will present fifteen innovative strategies for working with difficult couples. Some will be illustrated with videotapes of actual therapy sessions.

Educational Objectives:

1. To list five strategic approaches with couples.
2. To describe how to understand a spouse’s needs.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

• Parental Discipline & Child Behavior

  • Father overly enmeshed with 11-year-old daughter; mother feels undermined and threatens to leave.

  • Parents rely on religion and have low expectations; daughter (diagnosed with ADHD) excels in music and improves with firm boundaries.

  • Therapist works on father's responsibility and couple dynamics.

• Importance of Parental Agreement

  • Parents must agree on 3 core expectations to reduce child manipulation.

  • Avoid adding new demands; child keeps a log of parental mistakes for accountability.

  • Therapist can admonish parents when needed.

• Spiritual Values & Parental Unity

  • Mother concerned daughter's changes aren't spiritual.

  • Therapist helps parents align on spiritual expectations and prioritize their relationship.

• Conflict of Loyalties

  • Husband's loyalty to his mother over wife leads to marital issues and wife’s depression.

  • Intervention: therapist assigns responsibility to husband and has him call his mother; couple reconnects.

• Handling Resistance

  • Therapist must be firm and structured when met with resistance.

  • Silent meditation can help set a respectful tone and prevent immediate conflict.

• Financial Interventions

  • Pain of not changing must outweigh reward of bad behavior.

  • Financial metaphors work across income levels; represent deeper values.

• Preventing Marital Violence

  • Separate couple temporarily; ensure neither is left alone.

  • Engage extended family to set rules and consequences.

  • Ericksonian approach: open joint account with hated relative—money forfeited if violence recurs.

• Letting Go of the Past

  • For long-term marriages, use a "statute of limitations" (7 years) to let go of old resentments.

  • Encourage clean slates and renewed intimacy (e.g., second honeymoon).

• Renewing Vows

  • Ceremonies (religious or therapist-led) mark a fresh start.

  • Couples may even plan a second wedding celebration.

• Celebrating the End of Marriage

  • "Last fling" trips for divorcing couples can lead to reconsideration and improved future dynamics.

• Power of Rituals

  • Fun or symbolic rituals help couples reset.

  • Example: therapist Neil prevents escalation using hearing impairment and symbolic acts like removing wedding rings.

• Haircut Ritual

  • Couple cuts and buries hair to symbolize leaving violence behind.

  • Ritual raises emotional tone and deepens therapy.

• Involving Extended Family

  • Engaging the husband’s father leads to behavioral change and life improvement.

  • Family support + renewal ceremony = reconciliation.

• Executive Meetings for Bickering

  • Weekly scheduled, civil discussions end with something enjoyable.

  • Japanese business values: save face, avoid “no,” maintain respect.

• Structured Communication

  • Set 10-minute complaint windows; partner responds only with “I’m sorry, dear.”

  • Helps reduce bickering and encourages more fun together.

• Humorous Conflict Breakers

  • Introduce comic responses to complaints (e.g., undressing, toy sword fights).

  • Break patterns and defuse tension.

• Sexual Attraction Issues

  • Help partner become more present and attentive.

  • Use synchronized breathing and positive thoughts.

  • Partner communicates what makes them feel desired.

• Obsessive-Compulsive Behaviors

  • Acknowledge and work with OCD-like tendencies.

  • For snoring: suggest separate rooms, medical intervention, or recordings for awareness.

• Reviving a Lifeless Relationship

  • Each partner lists behaviors that show love; no quid pro quo.

  • Commit to actions regardless of reciprocation.

  • Rebuild connection through shared fun and effort.