CC09 Workshop 07 - The Intimacy-Avoidant Couple - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Couples who appear warm and friendly can be deceptively difficult. They fear intensity, anger and deep involvement. We will focus on principles for managing sessions, core competencies required in the therapist, and what it takes to support each partner's development to enable more intimacy and sexuality.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe the characteristics of partners who fear deeper involvement.
2. To describe three principles for facilitating each partner’s development.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Understanding Intimacy Avoidance

• Defined as the unwillingness to share deeper parts of oneself.
• Rooted in low differentiation and high self-protective avoidance.
• Intimacy triggers anxiety—being truly known feels risky.
• Deep listening is critical to overcoming avoidance.

Exploring Anxiety and Emotional Distance

• Case examples show financial stress, emotional disengagement, and fear of vulnerability.
• Couples often avoid difficult conversations to prevent conflict or emotional exposure.
• Therapists must help couples face fears and explore emotional differences.

Common Challenges in Intimacy Therapy

• Typical issues: no sex, boredom, disengagement, and potential substance abuse.
• Therapists must push couples to grow while managing their own anxiety.
• Progressive self-exposure builds intimacy but also activates fear.

Case Study – George and Carol

• George hides vulnerability due to strict upbringing.
• Therapy helps surface secrets (e.g., daughter’s sexuality) and pushes emotional growth.
• Therapists must be patient but directive.

Managing Sessions with Avoidant Couples

• Key skills: initiate tough topics, reinforce authenticity, set a strong container.
• Acknowledge your own anxiety as a therapist.
• Watch for denied aggression, sexuality, and avoid becoming complacent.

Handling Conflict Avoidance and Anxiety

• Therapists share their personal struggles with being too “nice” or conflict-avoidant.
• Direct confrontation (e.g., sexual topics) often triggers withdrawal—revisit later.
• Avoid calming clients too soon; let them build capacity to handle anxiety.

Managing Storm-Outs & Symbiosis

• Understand types of storm-outs; sometimes ignore and engage the remaining partner.
• Symbiosis (over-merging) shows up in fights, storm-outs, even violence.
• Focus on the process and individual growth when clients return.

Determining Problem Ownership & Breaking Symbiosis

• Use initiator-inquirer roles to unpack complex issues.
• Sexual anxiety often shifts between partners as layers are revealed.
• Understand individual struggles to avoid blame games.

Handling Collusion

• Couples may collude against the therapist to avoid issues.
• Celebrate small agreements, but also challenge the system dynamics.
• Use well-crafted questions to uncover avoidance patterns.

Balancing Optimism & Realistic Goals

• Guide couples on when to hold on or let go (e.g., recovery/alcoholism cases).
• Set clear, timed goals for each partner and revisit readiness to continue.
• Support change efforts while maintaining therapeutic boundaries.

Resources & Conclusion

• Couples Institute offers free training (focus on hostile, angry couples).
• Emphasis on managing anxiety, addressing avoidance, and breaking symbiosis.
• Session ends with gratitude for participation and engagement.