CC08 Workshop 12 - The Loving/Warring Brain: How the Brain, Mind and Body Interacts and Reacts to Intimacy - Stan Tatkin, PsyD

Description:

Is our brain built for love or war, connection or self-preservation? The attachment drive for a secure base involves neurological and neuro-endocrine systems and subsystems that determine such things as proximity seeking and contact maintenance. Couples most commonly enter therapy due to repeated, anticipated, and intense periods of mutual dysregulation whereby attachment injuries and adaptations become reanimated. In order to make the most of attachment theory, the psychotherapist must incorporate a working knowledge of the neurobiological processes that underlie all primary attachment relationships.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe how to identify and treat dysregulated couples.
2. To describe two interventions that promote interactive regulation.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Contact Information and Resources

• Contact info, study group materials, and training offered in Calabasas, Seattle, and Marin.

• Upcoming books: Love and War in Intimate Relationships and a neurobiology handbook for therapists.

Workshop Introduction

• Focus on the developmental psychobiological approach to intimacy.

• Brain-body-mind interactions in relationships, mostly non-conscious.

• Two-part workshop; second part focuses on avoidant attachment types.

The Brain’s Role in Intimacy

• Brain systems regulate moving toward/away from others.

• Implicit self-protective and relational systems dominate intimate interactions.

• Under threat, the brain prioritizes survival over connection.

Proximity and Physical Interaction

• Intimacy regulated in “near distance” (6–12 inches).

• Facial muscles and visual cues used in co-regulation.

• Eye contact enhances positive emotional connection.

Developmental Stages and Social-Emotional Learning

• Right hemisphere and limbic system central in early development.

• Skin-to-skin and face-to-face contact are foundational.

• Environmental and caregiver factors shape secure attachment.

Orbital Frontal Cortex and Empathy

• Key in waiting, holding, and theory of mind functions.

• Supports reflective functioning and empathy.

• Injury or underdevelopment leads to affect blindness.

Misattunement and Threat Response

• Misattunement triggers attachment threat and stress arousal.

• Fast repair cycles are crucial to restore secure functioning.

• Non-conscious brain activity governs most relational patterns.

Gender Differences and Arousal

• Differences in brain structure and arousal expression.

• Men: hyper-aroused; women: hypo-aroused tendencies.

• Understanding these patterns improves therapeutic accuracy.

Therapeutic Interventions

• Long sessions allow deeper regulation work.

• Therapist as external regulator—calm, observant, directive.

• Focus on process over content; encourage couple-to-couple repair.

Non-Verbal Cues and Emotional States

• Therapists must track micro expressions and affect shifts.

• Quick commentary can amplify and clarify emotional states.

• Watch for silent states (freeze/dissociation) as much as verbal ones.

Therapist’s Role

• Help couples regulate through modeled actions and structure.

• Create a protected “bubble” for emotional exploration.

• Stay neutral, grounded, and attuned throughout sessions.

Micro Expressions and Dangerous Communication

• Quick facial cues signal distress—address them before they fade.

• Words and tone can trigger different amygdala responses.

• Dangerous expressions must be diffused immediately.

Hyperarousal and Brain Function

• High stress impacts frontal cortex and hippocampus.

• Memory and logic shut down during conflict.

• Use of breath and calming can aid emotional engagement.

Self-Regulation and Social Engagement

• Successful couples self-regulate and stay engaged.

• Ventral vagal breath supports presence and reduces threat.

• Unnatural regulation may signal deeper problems.

Attachment and Interpersonal Stress

• Early attachment wounds drive current stress responses.

• Dyadic regulation: couples protect each other in public.

• All behavior between partners has reciprocal impact.

HPA Axis and Stress Recovery

• HPA system causes prolonged stress response.

• Dysregulation impairs memory and conflict resolution.

• Therapists need to understand endocrine impact on emotions.

Attachment Interviews and Repair Work

• Interviews uncover early attachment dynamics and rupture points.

• Provides a map for relational repair and coherence.

• Therapists must flexibly adapt tools to couple needs.

Therapist’s Frame and Client Empowerment

• A clear therapeutic frame builds client safety.

• Balance structure with flexibility.

• Help clients build autonomy through secure relational habits.