CC04 Keynote 04 - Why Love Tanks and What To Do About It - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

For half a century, close to half of all American marriages crash and burn. Of those couples who stay together, how many do so happily and passionately? Why do so many men and women start off in love and end up in misery? Why is it that the field of couple's therapy has done far too little to alter these grim statistics? In this presentation, Terry Real will introduce a radical new couple's therapy approach that aims to empower the woman, and reconnect the man with a startling and liberating therapeutic truthfulness.

Educational Objectives:

1. Given a marriage, name three ways to empower the woman.
2. Given a marriage, name three ways to reconnect men with therapeutic truthfulness.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction of Terry Real and His Work

• Terry Real founded the Relational Recovery Institute in Boston.

• Known for Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression and How Can I Get Through to You.

• Recognized for clear, direct communication and contributions to the men’s movement.

Purpose of Keynote

• Introduce the core ideas and practices of Relational Recovery Therapy (RRT).

• Emphasize time for Q&A after the talk.

Core Assumptions of RRT

• Children begin life relational, connected, honest, and compassionate.

• Around ages 10–13, boys and girls are pushed out of this wholeness.

• Therapy seeks to restore that original state of connection and intimacy.

• Social changes: women have evolved; many men have not kept up emotionally.

Relationship Crisis and Historical Context

• Women now seek emotional intimacy from men, a new cultural demand.

• Men, raised with emotional repression, are often unprepared.

• Traditional couples therapy hasn’t improved the 50% divorce rate.

Relational Asymmetry Between Genders

• Women often know more about relationships and want more from them.

• Men are content with “father’s model” of marriage; women are not.

• This gap leads to resentment, emotional withdrawal, and loss of intimacy.

Therapist’s Role in RRT

• RRT often sides with the woman to confront male resistance to change.

• First step: make the man uncomfortable enough to motivate growth.

• Focus on empowering the woman and creating leverage for change.

Grandiosity and Shame

• Grandiosity is a key therapeutic issue—judgment-impairing but seductive.

• RRT helps clients come down from grandiosity or shame into connection.

• Both grandiosity and false empowerment are forms of abuse.

Techniques for Change

• Teach men responsible distance-taking and open communication.

• Promote upfront negotiation instead of passive resentment.

• Emphasize mutual accountability and relational empowerment.

Q&A Highlights

• When women fear intimacy: work with the woman on avoidance.

• Therapist’s gender doesn’t matter; skill and ability to hold men accountable do.

Closing Thoughts

• Therapy must be practical and empowering for both partners.

• Focus on restoring intimacy, responsibility, and mutual respect.