BT18 Speech 13 - Couple Therapy: Shared Principles of Governance - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT

Description:

This one-hour speech focuses on what all couple therapists should at least consider: social justice and fairness agreements between partners. The human primate is warlike, self-centered, mostly automatic, and given to flights of fancy, moodiness, and other unpredictable feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Thus, the social science predicate of civilization dictates that, to hold human beings accountable, there must be agreements between individuals that protect them from one another. Shared principles of governance points to the matter of partners governing each other and everyone else as the couple is the smallest unit of a society. Principles are hierarchically more personal and self-governing than rules or laws. In other words, principles speak to character.

Educational Objectives:

1. List at least three psychological leaders in the field of social justice and moral reasoning.
2. Apply and describe at least three interventions for getting partners to formulate their shared principles of governance.
3. Differentiate and describe the differences between rules, laws, and principles.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Social Justice Theory in Couple Therapy

• Social justice theory is foundational in couple therapy, drawing on thinkers like Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, Rawls, and Kohlberg.

• Kohlberg's moral reasoning scale helps assess fairness in individuals, including public figures.

• Ivan Bozeman’s family systems justice theory emphasizes fairness, justice, and loyalty.

Attachment Theory and Social Justice

• Insecure attachment is reframed as parenting that is unjust, unfair, and insensitive.

• Secure functioning emphasizes mutual fairness, justice, and sensitivity, going beyond secure attachment.

• Secure functioning supports survival and thriving in relationships.

The Grant Study and Secure Functioning

• The Grant Study shows longevity and happiness come from secure relationships—not necessarily secure attachment.

• Strong social ties predict well-being; secure functioning relationships are more attainable and practical.

Principles of Secure Functioning

• Based on fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity.

• Encourages shared principles of governance and mutual responsibility.

• Secure functioning supports relational longevity and minimizes conflict.

Therapists Enforcing Secure Functioning

• Therapists should hold couples accountable without becoming authoritarian.

• They must help couples face relational reality and consequences.

• Secure functioning is framed as essential for survival, not optional.

The Human Condition and Relationships

• Human brains are wired for negativity, errors, and miscommunication.

• Secure functioning helps couples manage these challenges constructively.

• Relational systems need built-in buffers for inevitable misperceptions.

Importance of Co-Regulation

• Couples regulate each other’s nervous systems for safety and calm.

• Therapists help develop co-regulation skills to manage distress quickly.

• Co-regulation maintains relationship stability and resilience.

Principles as a Guide in Therapy

• Couples need clear, actionable principles to guide behavior under stress.

• These principles must be shared and strong enough to influence tough decisions.

• Governance structures in the couple support long-term health.

Trust and Transparency

• Full transparency (telling each other everything) builds strong trust.

• Therapists help couples create a culture of openness and honesty.

• Transparency is key for secure functioning.

Addressing Deal Breakers

• Therapists help couples identify and address deal breakers early.

• Encourages clarity on values and expectations.

• Challenges couples to justify beliefs to each other and resolve conflicts proactively.

Long-Term Thinking in Relationships

• Secure couples think forward and plan together.

• Having a shared purpose helps orient the relationship.

• Therapists support couples in defining long-term goals and mutual visions.