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BT18 Speech 02 - The Sex-Starved Marriage: Helping Couples Bridge the Gap - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

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Topic Areas:
Speeches |  Marriage |  Sex and Sexuality |  Brief Therapy |  Couples Therapy |  Communication |  Gender Dynamics
Categories:
Brief Therapy Conference |  Brief Therapy Conference 2018 |  Pioneers in Couples and Family Therapy
Faculty:
Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW
Duration:
38:54
Format:
Audio Only
Original Program Date:
Dec 09, 2018
License:
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Tags: Brief Therapy Couples Therapy Marriage Sex and Sexuality Psychoeducation Strategic Use of Language Tailoring Utilization Gender

Description

Description:

One out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire---a formula for marital disaster. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned, or uncaring, sex isn't the only casualty; a sense of emotional connection can also disappear. Helping couples bridge the desire gap can be challenging when one spouse appears unmotivated or lacks empathy. It can also be challenging when therapists feel uncomfortable discussing sex. This speech presents a collaborative model for partners to work together to turn around the decline in their sex lives and reignite their emotional connection.

Educational Objectives:

  1. Discuss ending the vicious cycle of refusing or always asking for sex which leads to more anger, more refusal, and less desire.
  2. Discuss that sex is not only about physical release; it’s also about connection.
  3. Utilize new approaches to increase their partner's empathy and willingness to change. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Conference Purpose

  • Topic: “The Sex-Starved Marriage” and how to bridge gaps in couples' sexual relationships.

  • Michelle is the founder of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado.

Defining the Sex-Starved Marriage

  • One partner craves more physical closeness; the other is indifferent or avoidant.

  • Emotional-then-physical vs. physical-then-emotional needs clash.

  • Traditional emotional-first therapy often fails to restore intimacy.

  • Michelle shifts focus to rebuilding physical connection first.

Physical Closeness and Emotional Reconnection

  • Touch and sexual intimacy often reawaken emotional closeness.

  • The issue isn’t just frequency—it’s the disconnect and rejection.

  • The lower-desire partner controls the sexual dynamic, leading to resentment.

Common Patterns and Challenges

  • Some cases involve trauma or dysfunction, but many are routine mismatches in desire.

  • Cycle: higher-desire partner gets angry → lower-desire partner withdraws more.

  • Michelle proposes a three-prong solution to break this cycle.

Approach 1: Build Empathy in the Lower-Desire Partner

  • Use stories (e.g., John and Mary) to help illustrate emotional pain of rejection.

  • Helps lower-desire partner understand impact and build compassion.

Understanding Sexual Desire

  • Desire often follows, not precedes, physical stimulation.

  • Dr. Rosemary Basson’s research shows many need physical initiation to feel arousal.

  • Normalize this cycle for couples to reduce shame and confusion.

Approach 2: Practice “Real Giving”

  • Real giving = offering what your partner needs, not what feels natural to you.

  • Mutual care-taking deepens emotional and physical bonds.

  • Michelle shares personal examples to illustrate this mindset.

Using the Five Love Languages

  • Introduces Gary Chapman’s model: affirmation, time, touch, gifts, service.

  • Helps couples recognize and speak each other’s emotional language.

  • Exercises encourage understanding and intentional giving.

Approach 3: Create Empathy in the Higher-Desire Partner

  • Encourages patience, acceptance, and realistic expectations.

  • Normalize fluctuations in sexual desire over time.

  • Helps reduce pressure and resentment, promoting long-term connection.

Final Thoughts and Therapist Advice

  • Therapists should stretch beyond comfort zones to address intimacy directly.

  • Focus on empathy, not blame, to prevent infidelity and divorce.

  • Tailor strategies to each couple’s needs; prioritize practical, effective solutions.

Credits

Faculty

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW's Profile

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW Related Seminars and Products

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW is the Founder of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado. She is a popular TEDx speaker and the author of eight books including, Healing From Infidelity, and the bestselling Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage. She is the recipient of several prestigious awards including the Outstanding Contribution to Marriage and Family Therapy Award from AAMFT. 

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