BT12 Super Course 02 – Passion, Vitality and Intimacy: Integrating Attachment, Differentiation and Neuroscience – Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Many partners crave intimacy or demand it, yet they fear the involvement that makes intimacy possible. Learn to use attachment theory, differentiation theory and neuroscience principles to lead your couples out of pain. Create sustained change with challenging issues such as infidelity, ongoing hostility, narcissism and pervasive conflict avoidance. Videotapes and clinical case examples will be used throughout the workshop.

Educational Objectives:

1. Integrate core principles from attachment theory, differentiation theory and neuroscience into couples therapy.
2. Recognize 5 ineffective coping strategies partner’s use and uncover underlying vulnerability.
3. Use a 4 step process for rapidly repairing relationship ruptures.
4. Review the developmental sequence by which empathy develops.
5. Intervene in common communication patterns that invite distance, lies and betrayal.
6. Understand the role of the limbic system in inhibiting relationship growth.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

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Outline

Introduction & Session Focus

• Introduces the theme: integrating attachment, differentiation, and neuroscience in couples therapy.
• Focus on helping couples move from early excitement to deeper connection.
• Quote shared on the need for continual self-renewal in relationships.

Challenges in Couples Therapy

• Common issues: affairs, deceit, withdrawal, power struggles, chronic disappointment.
• Audience adds: bed death, resentment, despair, escalating conflict.
• Emphasis on embracing both the difficulty and the rewards of this work.

Attachment Theory & Development

• Overview of attachment drives and Bowlby’s patterns: secure, insecure/clingy, avoidant, disorganized.
• Impact of early chaotic environments on attachment and relationship patterns.
• Example clip of a lioness adopting an Oryx to illustrate attachment instincts.

Attachment Styles in Relationships

• How attachment styles shape adult interactions:
  • Avoidant partners disengage, may turn to porn.
  • Insecure partners cling and demand.
  • Secure partners balance needs.
• Personal reflection on having different attachment styles with each parent.

Early Attachment & Brain Development

• Ed Tronick’s research: disengaged parenting impacts infants' brains and emotional development.
• Video shows a baby’s distress when attention is withdrawn.
• Importance of early synchrony and connection.

Differentiation in Long-Term Relationships

• Defined as the ability to self-reflect and stay connected during conflict—distinct from self-centeredness or isolation.
• Metaphor of a disco ball to represent multiple facets of self.
• Differentiation strengthens change, communication, and mutual support.

Neuroscience & Relationship Dynamics

• Brain wired for safety; limbic system may see partners as threats.
• Pseudospeciation: bonding with those like us, fearing differences.
• Chronic trauma reduces capacity for differentiation and growth.

Case Study: "Farm Boy and the Nanny"

• Couple with age gap and alcoholism history; exploring attachment, trauma, and accountability.
• Therapist works to set behavior change goals and create accountability.

Managing Hostile, Angry Couples

• Techniques: set goals, interrupt negative cycles, build communication.
• Therapist role: lead, offer vision for change, support differentiation.

Empathic Failure & Projection

• Discussing missed empathy moments that escalate conflict.
• Coaching couples to recover from empathic failures.
• Exploring projections and each partner’s contribution to patterns.

Therapy Insights & Reflections

• Session praised for depth—like a "poetry slam."
• Pivotal moment: participant confronts father-related anger driving relationship issues and drinking.
• Rebellion has helped professionally but damages relationship.

Anger, Rebellion, & Emotional Connection

• Exploring the link between unresolved parental anger and current relationship conflict.
• Partner’s vulnerability acknowledged for the first time.
• Introduction of “magic words” ("It’s okay, let’s do it your way") to soften dynamics and build connection.

Couples Therapy & Addiction Recovery

• Importance of integrating couples therapy with addiction recovery.
• Both support and strengthen individual and relational healing.

Session Structure & Interventions

• 1 hour 45-minute session focusing on differentiation and connection.
• Key tools: mirroring conflict patterns, visualizing change, using magic words to connect.

Personal Reflection & Closing

• Speaker shares personal struggle with differentiation in a financial decision.
• Encourages therapists to apply these concepts and push their own growth.