BT08 Workshop 22 - The Sex-Starved Marriage - Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

Description:

One in three couples experience a sexual desire gap, a difference leads to infidelity or divorce. Additionally, the compelling statistic that one out of ten couples has a sexless marriage makes it apparent why so many couples are losing touch. Learn how to help couples bring passion back into marriage. Also, learn how to help couples heal from infidelity.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe three methods for bridging the sexual desire gap.
2. To describe three techniques for healing from infidelity.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Workshop Overview

• Shares her background, including her long marriage and the 1992 book Divorce Busting.

• States her belief: most divorces are preventable with the right tools.

The Divorce Busting Philosophy

• Only 10–15% of divorces involve severe issues like abuse or addiction.

• Most common reasons (communication, parenting, infidelity) are solvable.

• Insight alone doesn’t create change—skills and action are required.

Frustrations with Traditional Therapy

• Early training focused on insight and emotional exploration.

• Found these insufficient and turned to practical conflict resolution.

• Studied solution-focused therapy with Steve DeShazer; began emphasizing hope and results.

The Role of Hope in Marital Therapy

• Hopelessness is the real danger in marriage, not conflict.

• Therapists must carry hope, or seek support if they feel stuck.

• Therapists’ personal values impact outcomes more than methods alone.

Recognizing Hopelessness in Couples

• Red flags: emotional disengagement, chronic dissatisfaction, disrespect.

• Therapists must not assume outcomes—change is always possible.

• When feeling hopeless about a couple, seek supervision or new strategies.

Personal Backstory and Motivation

• Grew up in a happy family; mother later divorced, deeply affecting her.

• Believes divorce has lifelong ripple effects.

• Passionate about helping couples reconnect, especially for the kids.

Sex-Starved Marriages Defined

• One partner longs for intimacy; the other is indifferent or avoidant.

• Leads to emotional distance, resentment, and parallel lives.

• The lower-desire partner controls the dynamic.

Why Addressing Sex Matters

• Sex is often harder to discuss than finances or parenting—even after decades.

• Avoiding the issue leads to further emotional disconnect.

• Encourages open conversations about changing needs over time.

Stats and Realities of Low Sexual Desire

• Many couples have sex less than 10 times/year.

• More women report low desire, but it affects men too.

• Many women find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

Therapeutic Strategies for Desire Gaps

• Explore physical, personal, and relational factors.

• Both partners must take responsibility for change.

• Encourage “doing something different” instead of repeating what doesn’t work.

Understanding Low Desire

• Desire is a decision, not just a feeling.

• Often linked to hormones, stress, or relationship dissatisfaction.

• Nike strategy: “Just do it”—desire often follows arousal.

Arousal-First Sexual Response

• Dr. Rosemary Basson’s model: arousal can precede desire.

• Helps normalize low desire and reduce shame.

• Many enjoy sex once engaged, even without initial desire.

The Great American Sex Challenge

• Women challenged to initiate sex/flirt twice a week.

• Husbands became more helpful and affectionate.

• Raised awareness about reciprocity and love languages (Gary Chapman).

Real Giving and Love Languages

• Real giving = giving what your partner needs, not what you prefer to give.

• Learning to express love in a partner’s language deepens connection.

• Personal story: learned to accept and honor her husband’s need for space.

Therapy for Low Desire Couples

• Empathy is essential when working with low-desire partners.

• “Real giving” must be practiced even when it feels unnatural.

• Case study: mismatched timing; therapist helped align needs.

Infidelity and Its Impact

• Infidelity is emotionally traumatic; should never be minimized.

• Clients need space to grieve, vent, and seek reassurance.

• Introduces “infidelity leave”—spend more time together post-affair.

Betrayed and Unfaithful Spouse Roles

• Betrayed: express feelings, ask questions, seek support.

• Unfaithful: end the affair, show remorse, offer transparency.

• Both must commit to change and patience in healing.

Empathy in Recovery

• Understanding the betrayer’s mindset is key to moving forward.

• Remorse must be genuine, not performative.

• Therapists guide partners through the empathy and healing process.

Forgiveness and Moving Forward

• Forgiveness is a gift to oneself and the relationship.

• Ending affairs and rebuilding trust requires daily effort.

• Therapy should uncover underlying marital issues.

Infidelity Recovery Tips

• Unfaithful spouse: maintain transparency, constant contact, self-reflection.

• Identify the “why” behind the affair.

• Work on both individual accountability and marriage repair.

Therapy Case Study

• Gradual change in unfaithful spouse’s awareness over time.

• Timing and pacing of therapy is crucial.

• Ends with message: empathy, care-taking, and emotional repair are key to lasting recovery.