CC13 Keynote 02 - Love in the 21st Century - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

We’ve never wanted more from our romantic relationships but both men and women—in different ways and for different reasons—lack the skills to meet our new ambitions. What do men and women want from each other? Why are relationships so fraught? And how can we be more effective as clinicians? The nature of marriage has changed and therapists must meet challenges unique to our new landscape.

Educational Objectives:

1. Explain from a cultural point of view why marriage has been difficult for the last 50 years.
2. Describe the relationship between men, socialization and marital difficulties.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Overview of Terry's Background

• Peter Pearson introduces Terry Real and his work with the Relational Life Institute.

• Emphasizes Terry’s focus on parenting, relationships, and human connection.

• Terry begins with technical difficulties but engages audience on relationship dynamics.

Terry's Perspective on Relationships and Therapy

• Asks audience about their roles and relationships to ground the session.

• Jokes about his own marriage to highlight challenges women face.

• Notes high divorce rates and a crisis in marriage due to unbalanced role changes.

• Attributes issues to women’s evolving roles vs. men’s static expectations.

The Evolution of Marriage and Women's Roles

• Describes the shift from companionable to intimate marriages.

• Women now expect emotional connection and intimacy from partners.

• 70% of divorces are initiated by women due to dissatisfaction.

• Stresses men must grow emotionally to meet new relationship demands.

Challenges in Modern Relationships

• Women often suppress resentment; men don’t grasp their partner’s pain.

• Advocates for women to use a strong but loving voice, and men to open up.

• Introduces “fierce intimacy”—being real, direct, and engaged.

• Calls for 21st-century strategies to meet modern relational needs.

Relational Empowerment and Therapy Techniques

• Defines relational empowerment: both partners bring full strength and voice.

• Golden rule: “What do you need from me to help you give me what I want?”

• Couples therapy must be strong enough to confront deep issues.

• Encourages therapists to “join through the truth” by offering honest feedback with empathy.

Addressing Grandiosity and Shame

• Both shame (one-down) and grandiosity (one-up) are self-esteem disorders.

• Therapy helps clients shift between these states and reach balance.

• Introduces functional adult, wounded child, and adaptive child as parts of the psyche.

• Focuses on teaching empathy and showing impact of behavior on others.

Teaching Empathy and Real-Life Examples

• Shares story of a father who changed after realizing he hurt his child.

• Empathy taught by helping clients grasp how others feel and what they need.

• Therapists must model the functional adult and engage the “decent part” of clients.

• Practice is key for integrating these techniques.

Q&A Session and Audience Engagement

• Answers audience questions on therapist gender, working with men, and same-sex couples.

• Talks about using leverage to keep clients engaged in therapy.

• Describes unique relational and sexual patterns in gay and lesbian couples.

• Emphasizes cultural sensitivity when working with clients from traditional or oppressed backgrounds.

Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

• Reinforces importance of fierce intimacy and relational empowerment.

• Therapists must be grounded in their own functional adult to do effective work.

• Closes with gratitude, a call for ongoing practice.