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EP13 Workshop 33 – Affairs: Helping Couples to Heal from Infidelity – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW


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Topic Areas:
Couples Therapy |  Infidelity |  Workshops |  Affairs |  Psychotherapy |  Crisis Therapy |  Forgiveness |  Intimacy |  Sex and Sexuality |  Trauma
Categories:
Evolution of Psychotherapy |  Evolution of Psychotherapy 2013 |  Pioneers in Couples and Family Therapy
Faculty:
Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW
Duration:
1 Hour 53 Minutes
Format:
Audio Only
Original Program Date:
Dec 14, 2013
License:
Never Expires.



Description

Description:

If you work with couples, you’re no stranger to infidelity. And because healing from infidelity is challenging, it behooves us to have a clear roadmap of the territory. We’ll go over an array of post-affair issues, including ways to deal with intense emotions, whether to discuss the details of the betrayal, how to begin rebuilding trust in the aftermath of the discovery; whether to have clinical ultimatums about ending affairs, how to handle setbacks; and how to deal with residual feelings for the affair partner. We’ll explore a step-by-step treatment plan and discuss how to tailor it to each couple’s unique needs.

Educational Objectives:

  1. Review what both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse must do to heal from infidelity.
  2. Discuss & practice what to do when disclosure is made during an individual session.
  3. Name and discuss methods for overcoming the most common impasses in helping couples heal from infidelity.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

 

Introduction and Background of Michele Weiner-Davis

  • Michele Weiner-Davis is director of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado, and also has an office in Illinois.

  • She specializes in two-day intensives for couples, with 90–95% involving infidelity.

  • Her focus has shifted from general family therapy to treating severe relationship crises, especially infidelity.

  • Developed a telephone coaching program to support couples nationwide.

Approach to Infidelity and Therapy Techniques

  • Encourages therapists to bring their authentic selves to therapy and adapt their style.

  • Believes infidelity, while painful, can be healed — like a bone healing stronger.

  • Therapy should be shaped by cultural awareness and flexibility.

Gender Differences and Common Misconceptions

  • Notes men often want to fix things while women seek emotional processing.

  • Challenges the myth that affairs always signal deeper marital problems — some affairs happen even in happy marriages.

  • Emphasizes focusing on what works, not just theoretical causes.

Challenges and Strategies in Infidelity Therapy

  • Common dynamic: one partner wants to leave, the other desperately wants to save the marriage.

  • Importance of balancing talk about the affair with strengthening the bond.

  • Therapists should be directive and instill hope.

  • Forgiveness and self-forgiveness are key for both partners.

Practical Tools and Techniques for Couples

  • Uses tools like structured conversations and thought-stopping exercises.

  • Helps couples identify relapse triggers and redefine monogamy.

  • Encourages examination of personal vulnerabilities that led to the affair.

Addressing Personal Responsibility and Reassurance

  • The unfaithful partner must take full responsibility and be transparent.

  • Sharing details (appropriately) can support healing.

  • Requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to rebuild trust.

Managing Setbacks and Maintaining Hope

  • Progress is nonlinear — therapists should help clients normalize setbacks.

  • Focus on small wins and steady encouragement.

  • Patience and persistence are vital.

Dealing with Family and Social Pressure

  • External voices (e.g., disapproving family) can influence the couple negatively.

  • Therapists help clients develop plans to handle unsupportive feedback.

  • Emphasizes attending to the wider relational system.

Final Thoughts and Encouragement

  • Michele encourages therapists to stay hopeful and committed to this work.

  • Believes most couples can heal with the right tools and mindset.

  • Calls for a solution-focused, emotionally present therapeutic stance.

Couple’s Decision to Live Apart

  • Living apart after infidelity may increase divorce risk.

  • Prefers couples stay together to allow rebuilding through connection.

  • Separation can reduce opportunities for repair.

Impact of Partial Disclosure

  • Partial disclosures can cause ongoing harm.

  • Encourages full disclosure in a safe, supported way.

  • Sometimes uses individual sessions to prepare for disclosure.

Success Rates: Emotional vs. Physical Infidelity

  • Severity is subjective — some couples recover from multiple affairs; others separate over minor incidents.

  • Emphasizes the meaning assigned by the betrayed partner.

Confidentiality and Therapist’s Role

  • Therapists should set clear confidentiality boundaries before individual sessions.

  • Never do what you’re uncomfortable with, even if taught in workshops.

  • Provides contact info and encourages professional training.

Handling Behavioral Changes in Clients

  • If a betrayed partner reports appearance changes in the other, avoid overreacting.

  • Validate and reinforce positive change without triggering suspicion.

Treatment Considerations for Same-Sex Couples

  • Emotional dynamics are often similar across orientations.

  • Treatment focuses on core relationship issues, not sexual orientation.

Dealing with Anger Toward the Affair Partner

  • Explore client goals before encouraging confrontation.

  • Email or symbolic closure may help.

  • Focus on managing emotion and moving forward.

Addressing Insecurity in Long-Term Counseling

  • If repeated reassurance fails, shift strategy.

  • Suggest acting as though tired of repeating — may prompt change.

  • Revisit strategies if results aren’t improving.

Resistance to Couple’s Therapy

  • Offer different formats or alternative ways to engage the reluctant partner.

  • Use coaching to help the unfaithful partner make adjustments that could reduce resistance.

Credits



Faculty

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW's Profile

Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW Related Seminars and Products


Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW is the Founder of The Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, Colorado. She is a popular TEDx speaker and the author of eight books including, Healing From Infidelity, and the bestselling Divorce Busting and The Sex-Starved Marriage. She is the recipient of several prestigious awards including the Outstanding Contribution to Marriage and Family Therapy Award from AAMFT. 


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