CC23 Keynote 05 - Relational Life Therapy: Deep, Quick, Dramatic Change - Terry Real, LICSW

Participants will receive an overview of RLT, a potent form of couples therapy which offers clients a map and specific set of skills that enable them to live relationally – that is, in a state of authentic connection to themselves, those they love, society, nature, and Spirit.
RLT replaces the individualistic and patriarchal delusion of power over nature with “ecological wisdom.” Our relationships are our biosphere. We live within them, not above them.

RLT offers a practical “relational technology” that delivers on our cultures brand new ambition- a truly intimate life-long romance.

Learning Objectives:

1. Understand the definition of ‘Relational Mindfulness’ – the core practice
2. Differentiate between the ‘Three Phases of RLT’
3. Move from toxic individualism and patriarchy to ‘US’

Outline:

Introduction to Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

• RLT focuses on secure attachment as authentic connection from infancy.

• Intimacy is framed as a practice and potential cure, including for issues like sex addiction.

• Highlights the need for moment-to-moment relational choices to break dysfunctional cycles.

Core Assumptions and Trauma in Relational Life

• Connection to self, others, society, and nature is the foundation of RLT.

• Trauma = disconnection in the relational field; recovery means restoring intimacy.

• Marriage historically prioritized stability over connection — now we need new tools for lifelong intimacy.

Challenges of Patriarchy and Individualism

• Patriarchy and individualism undermine relational passion and teamwork.

• Calls for a relational culture focused on collaboration, not power struggles.

• Example given: a couple improves their marriage by shifting to a teamwork mindset.

The Dance of Relationships: Harmony, Disharmony, and Repair

• Healthy relationships cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair.

• Culture avoids acknowledging disharmony; real intimacy requires facing it.

• Many couples unknowingly reenact childhood trauma — the "mysticism of marriage."

The Adaptive Child and Relational Mindfulness

• The adaptive child is a reactive, rigid part of us shaped in childhood.

• RLT teaches relational mindfulness — taking space to respond from the wise adult instead.

• Key skill: knowing which part of you is in charge (adaptive child vs. wise adult).

Case Study: A Lying Husband and His Evasive Behavior

• Husband’s lies traced to fear of control (learned from a controlling father).

• Therapy helped identify his adaptive child and shift to adult choices.

• Emphasis on respecting the adaptive child while encouraging growth.

Phases of Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

• Three phases: 1) Waking up (confronting behavior), 2) Joining through the truth, 3) Teaching new skills.

• Inner child work is done in front of the partner to foster compassion.

• Focus is on helping clients speak up, listen, and repair.

The Role of Trauma and Inner Child Work

• Couples therapy becomes a place for healing trauma and reparenting.

• Three parts of reparenting: nurture, guidance, and limits.

• Example: a raging wife softened after seeing her adaptive child clearly.

Creating Safety and Skills for Relational Growth

• Safety comes from repair skills and emotional accountability.

• Relationships involve sustainable hurt, not perfection.

• Long-term success requires: loving confrontation + deep healing + practical tools.

Conclusion and Call to Action

• Encourages continued learning through the Relational Life Institute.

• Answers questions about using RLT with individuals and in creating safety.

• Ends with a call to challenge patriarchy and deepen relational bonds.