EP21 Workshop 25 - Managing the Crisis of Infidelity: Recovering from Lies, Deception and Betrayal - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Couples often come to therapy in the aftermath of infidelity. Their marriage is in crisis, their emotions are intense, and you are required to quickly organize a lot of complex information into a coherent treatment plan. How do you do this with confidence?

Discover what to look for, how to delineate core treatment issues in the initial, middle and termination stages of therapy. Next, use 10 parameters to assess the meaning of the infidelity and then uncover the major types of lies and deception to give you a solid way to determine what to address and when.

Learning Objectives

1. How to evaluate the meaning of an affair.
2. The value of obsessing about an affair and its details.
3. 4 main types of lies and why the types of lies matters.
4. How to organize what you know about the couple into a coherent treatment plan.

Outline:

Session Introduction

• Ellen Bader discusses managing infidelity in couples therapy.

• Highlights common therapist challenges: conflict avoidance, over-identifying with betrayed partner, addressing deception without shaming.

Understanding Infidelity

• Infidelity profoundly disrupts trust, attachment, family plans, and self-esteem.

• Important to evaluate deeper meanings behind affairs and address obsessive rumination constructively.

Therapeutic Approaches

• First stage: Assess couple’s motivation, commitment, and willingness to honestly confront issues.

• Therapists should directly address patterns of lying, conflict avoidance, and emotional maturity.

Case Example

• Four-year affair involving husband and nanny, discovered after wife's cancer treatment.

• Emphasis on husband's lack of self-awareness, need for honesty, and wife's struggle with trust and obsessive questions.

Value of Rumination

• Rumination can guide therapy by uncovering critical details and patterns.

• Therapists encourage direct questioning, vulnerability, and creating shared understanding.

Effective vs. Ineffective Repair

• Effective: Genuine remorse, honesty, self-reflection.

• Ineffective: Avoidance, defensiveness, superficial apologies.

Role of Emotions

• Couples must openly confront shame, anger, fear, and pain.

• Therapist’s role includes guiding emotional expression and reinforcing therapeutic commitment.

Addressing Multiple Affairs

• Requires strong assessment of motivation and clear evidence of honesty (e.g., transparency with phone/social media).

• Collaboration with individual therapists may be essential.

Rebuilding Trust

• Repeated honesty is crucial.

• Therapists must address deep fears and conflict-avoidant behaviors.

Effective Communication & Curiosity

• Encouraging open dialogue, genuine curiosity, and self-reflection.

• Developing a mutual understanding and shared meaning around the affair.

Trusting Intuition

• Partners should trust their instincts post-infidelity.

• Rebuilding self-esteem and developing a clear personal voice is vital, especially for betrayed partners.

Future Concerns

• Avoid rushing to reassurance; focus on deep conversations to build trust and emotional safety.

• External reassurances from therapists are insufficient; partners must trust themselves and each other.

Responsibility vs. Blame

• Three therapeutic stages: addressing blame, processing grief, exploring reasons behind the affair.

• Therapists adjust confrontation styles based on severity of lies and deception.

Sexless Marriages & Prevention

• Addressing sexless dynamics involves honest, difficult conversations.

• Honesty prevents infidelity; couples may consider new arrangements if openly discussed.

Assessing Honesty & Initiative

• Betraying partner must proactively address tough topics in therapy.

• Both partners recognize their role in relational dynamics leading to infidelity.

Final Thoughts

• Importance of therapists being comfortable with varied confrontation styles.

• Recommend resource: Tell Me No Lies for further guidance on addressing infidelity.