EP17 Speech 16 - The Sex-Starved Marriage - Michele Weiner-Davis, LCSW

Description:

One out of every three couples struggles with mismatched sexual desire---a formula for marital disaster. When one spouse is sexually dissatisfied and the other is oblivious, unconcerned, or uncaring, sex isn't the only casualty; a sense of emotional connection can also disappear. Helping couples bridge the desire gap can be challenging when one spouse appears unmotivated or lacks empathy. This speech presents a collaborative model for partners to work together to turn around the decline in their sex lives and reignite their emotional connection.

Educational Objectives:

1. Explain how to end the vicious cycle of refusing sex which leads to anger, less desire and more refusal.
2. Demonstrate coaching both partners about specific ways to alter their approach to increase their partner's empathy and willingness to change.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Background of Michele Weiner-Davis

• Introduced with highlights from her books: In Search of Solutions, Divorce Busting (1992), Change Your Life and Everyone in It (1996), and The Sex-Starved Marriage (2004).

• Opens with humor and a slide illustrating a couple’s disconnected sexual relationship.

Michele's Journey and Focus on Sex-Starved Marriages

• Director of the Divorce Busting Center in Boulder, CO, with over 30 years of experience preventing unnecessary divorce.

• Notes that ~40% of first marriages end in divorce, often due to common, solvable problems.

• Many couples she sees experience mismatched needs: one feels emotionally disconnected, the other physically.

• Initially prioritized emotional reconnection, but found it often left higher-desire partners feeling rejected.

Challenges and Solutions for Sex-Starved Marriages

• Shifted focus to address sexual disconnection directly as a primary issue.

• Defines a sex-starved marriage as one where one partner longs for physical intimacy while the other is indifferent or avoidant.

• Shares emotional impact from a higher-desire partner’s quote: “I feel like I’m living with my roommate.”

• One in three couples experience sexual desire gaps — the way they handle it is more important than the gap itself.

The Role of Empathy and Real Giving

• Emphasizes increasing empathy in lower-desire partners who may not grasp the importance of physical closeness.

• Shares a story of “John and Mary” to illustrate how rejection damages connection and self-esteem.

• Introduces “real giving”: expressing love in the way your partner needs, not just how you prefer to give it.

• Cites Dr. Gary Chapman’s Five Love Languages as a valuable framework for mutual understanding.

Practical Solutions and Real-Life Examples

• Offers a three-pronged strategy: focus on the lower-desire partner, couple as a team, and higher-desire partner.

• Shows a video of a couple candidly discussing mismatched affection needs and its effects.

• Reinforces the importance of mutual care-taking and learning to meet each other’s needs practically and consistently.

Conclusion and Personal Reflection

• Reflects on how her values shaped her approach to therapy, especially around issues of intimacy.

• Urges therapists to step outside personal discomfort to better help struggling couples.

• Closes by reaffirming empathy, understanding, and real giving as the cornerstones of addressing sexual desire discrepancies.