EP09 Workshop 11 – How to Change Relationships – Cloe Madanes, Lic. Psic, HDL

Description:

Cloé Madanes will present a theoretical framework and tools that therapists can use to understand what relationships need to change in order to solve the problem presented to therapy. Madanes will present 20 of her favorite strategies illustrated with case examples and with experiential exercises.

Educational Objectives:

1. To list five tools for understanding relationships.
2. To describe 20 strategies of psychotherapy.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Introduction

• Cloe Madanes welcomes attendees, outlines the structure: 25 strategies, concepts, video illustrations, and material from her book Relationship Breakthrough.

• Emphasizes helping people improve relationships without needing therapy.

Strategic Therapy Basics

• Problems stem from social context and relationships.

• Therapy should involve more than one person to better understand dynamics.

• Empathy is essential; therapists must feel what clients feel.

Directives and Humor

• Directives are key tools: can be direct, indirect, metaphorical, or paradoxical.

• Humor, especially self-deprecating, makes clients more receptive.

• Goal: give therapists usable strategies.

Responsibility in Therapy

• Therapists are responsible for therapy outcomes and process.

• “Resistance” is reframed—clients often don’t know how to follow good advice.

• Supervisors must guide without blame.

Family Dynamics Concepts

• Unit, sequence, and hierarchy are crucial to understanding problems.

• Cross-generational coalitions create loyalty conflicts.

• Boundaries are necessary to reinforce healthy relationships.

Creating Calm and Boundaries

• Start sessions with silent meditation on love.

• Use creative directives (e.g., sitting on laps, calling parents) to establish boundaries.

• Humor can help make boundary-setting less threatening.

Coaching Love and Connection

• Help partners define and demonstrate love concretely.

• Respect each other’s definition of love.

• Coaching builds understanding and improves relationships.

Rituals and Relationship Renewal

• Use rituals (vow renewals, honeymoons, symbolic acts) to end toxic cycles and start fresh.

• Ritual intensity should match the seriousness of the issue.

Creating Good Memories

• Help couples focus on and build positive shared experiences.

• Positive memories enhance overall relationship quality.

Statute of Limitations & Fines

• Suggest couples forgive grievances older than 7 years.

• Use fines to discourage unhelpful behaviors (e.g., lateness, social withdrawal).

Clarifying Loyalties & Human Needs

• Shift loyalty from family of origin to new marital unit.

• Introduce six core human needs: certainty, variety, significance, connection, growth, contribution.

Navigating Needs and Paradoxes

• Conflicting top needs (e.g., certainty vs. variety) cause tension.

• Violence can stem from the need for significance.

• First four needs are for survival; last two are spiritual.

Ranking Needs & Relationship Conflict

• Couples rank their needs and list “vehicles” (ways to meet needs).

• Misalignments in needs (e.g., one values growth, other values certainty) often lead to conflict.

Adjusting for Compatibility

• Adjust vehicles to be more realistic and controllable.

• Focus on love connection as the top priority for strong relationships.

Emotions and Vehicles

• List weekly emotions and top positive ones.

• Identify easy, achievable vehicles to feel those emotions.

• Control your emotional experience by controlling how you access emotions.

Apologies and Reparations

• Apologies must be followed by reparation (e.g., funding therapy after infidelity).

• Concrete consequences and accountability foster healing.

Final Relationship Strategies

• Understand and support each other’s needs with compatible vehicles.

• Communication and negotiation are key.

• Workshop ends with Q&A and sharing of experiences.