EP09 Workshop 06 – Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies and Secrets – Claudia Black, PhD

Description:

Many women are in a couple ship riddled with deception, lies, and false perceptions as a result of her partner’s compulsive sexual acting out. Dr. Black will describe the dynamics of co-sex addiction and the role of family of origin issues in thispartnership. She will address early stabilization issues as sell as treatment and recovery issues.

Educational Objectives:

1. To identify traits common to a co-addict living with sexual compulsivity.
2. To describe the framework for co-sex addiction recovery.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Goals and Framing

• Claudia Black introduces the session on sexual betrayal, lies, and secrets.

• Focus: understanding partner experiences and building a treatment framework.

• Draws from 30+ years in addiction and trauma-focused clinical work.

Evolution of Addiction and Claudia’s Career

• Addiction field expanded from alcoholism to behavioral addictions.

• Claudia’s background includes work with children, families, and partners of addicts.

• Her book Deceived reflects her focus on sexual addiction’s impact on partners.

Understanding Sexual Addiction and Cybersex

• Rise in multiple behavioral addictions, including cybersex.

• Treating both the addict and their partner is crucial for long-term recovery.

• Emphasis on women’s experiences in partner roles.

Challenges of Female Partners

• Women often stay due to societal pressure, guilt, or low self-worth.

• Common traits: co-dependency, impoverished expectations, and trauma histories.

Co-Addiction and Trauma Repetition

• Partners may also display addictive or compulsive behaviors.

• Trauma repetition: unconsciously recreating past painful dynamics.

• Healing requires addressing family of origin issues.

Trauma Bonding and Stockholm Syndrome

• Emotional attachment to the addict may mirror abuse dynamics.

• Features: perceived threat, isolation, and loyalty despite harm.

Addicted Partner Dynamics

• Addicts often compartmentalize lives, lack empathy, and use defense mechanisms.

• Backgrounds frequently involve shame, neglect, or abuse.

Full Disclosure and Boundaries

• Full, guided disclosure levels the emotional field and supports healing.

• Avoid “dribbling” of new info—causes more harm.

• Partners need clear, non-negotiable boundaries early in treatment.

Stabilization and Early Treatment

• First phase: validate partner’s experience, educate, and stabilize.

• Address urgent issues (financial, legal, parenting).

• Boundaries create safety and help regulate chaos.

Family of Origin Work

• Connect partner’s past to present behaviors and beliefs.

• Address denial, low self-worth, and fear of abandonment.

• Teach new relational and emotional coping skills.

Communication and Treatment Phases

• Next phase: deeper work on origin issues and addictive traits.

• Recognize addict misdirection, manipulation, and charm.

• Validate partner intuition and need for clarity.

Manipulation and Partner Reactions

• Addicts may use guilt, legal language, threats, or victim roles.

• Partners often become hyper-vigilant, controlling, and emotionally exhausted.

• These behaviors are responses to fear and betrayal.

Control and Image Management

• Controlling actions are survival tools—not signs of dysfunction.

• Addicts often maintain fantasy lives, masking shame with perfectionism.

• Claudia uses metaphor (e.g., monkey trap) to illustrate being trapped by control.

Anger, Boundaries, and Health

• Unprocessed anger can lead to self-harm and destructive acts.

• Chronic stress affects physical health—autoimmune issues, gut problems.

• Trust is rebuilt through commitment to behavior change and transparency.

Therapeutic Separation and Parenting

• Structured separation can support healing and clarity.

• Includes plans for reading, meetings, parenting, and finances.

• Disclosure to children should be developmentally appropriate.

Addressing Adolescent Addiction

• Early signs in teens need careful assessment and support.

• Focus on emotional literacy, unmet needs, and root causes.

• Use tailored resources for adolescent sexual behaviors.

Emotional Reactivity and Sexual Anorexia

• Emotional overwhelm impairs decision-making.

• Sexual anorexia is common—avoidance of intimacy due to trauma or anxiety.

• Recovery includes healing self-esteem and sexual identity.

Addiction's Family Impact

• Addiction often affects entire families—siblings, children.

• Therapists should help families speak truths and break secrecy.

• Group support is key in normalizing and processing experiences.

Forgiveness and Spiritual Growth

• “Cheap forgiveness” sacrifices safety and integrity.

• True forgiveness is earned, not rushed; self-forgiveness is essential.

• Spiritual recovery involves surrendering control and nurturing connection.

Professional Resources and Self-Care

• Recommends ITAP, SASH, and 12-step programs for support.

• Professionals encouraged to honor their needs and find joy in the work.

• Recovery brings gifts for both clients and clinicians.

Final Reflections

• Claudia affirms the healing power of therapy and recovery.

• Encourages clinicians to embrace the complexity and rewards of the work.