EP09 Workshop 04 – One Foot Out the Door: Working with Couples on the Brink – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW

Description:

Few couples seem as unlikely to profit from therapy as those in which one partner as already decided to leave. Yet, even at this point, a therapist has an opportunity to turn the situation around. In this workshop, you will learn how to step in, even at the 11th hour, and help couples with seemingly intractable problems – hopelessness, ongoing affairs, and one spouse’s unwillingness to seek therapy, to resolve their difficulties, recommit to their marriage, and reclaim their lives.

Educational Objectives:

1. To list three strategies for working with a spouse who won’t end an affair.
2. To describe three techniques for doing couples therapy with one spouse.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Personal Background

• Michele Weiner-Davis introduces herself as the “Divorce Buster,” jokes about her name and her husband Jim.

• Describes her long-term marriage and invites participants to reflect on their experience with her work.

The Concept of Divorce Busting

• Belief: most marriages can and should be saved—not for religious reasons, but due to avoidable divorce regret.

• Stats: only a small portion of divorces are due to infidelity, abuse, or addiction; most stem from solvable issues.

• Mission: give couples hope and teach practical strategies to resolve problems.

Challenges in Early Therapy Career

• Felt unprepared post-graduate school; traditional therapy methods weren’t producing change.

• Discovered the need for solution-oriented strategies; insight alone wasn’t enough.

• Sought out supervision and training to become more effective.

Discovery of Brief Solution-Focused Therapy

• Introduced to Jay Haley’s work on Erickson, and trained with Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg.

• Shifted to a strengths-based, future-focused model that helped clients implement change.

• Eventually became a co-developer of the model and recognized expert.

Therapist Values and Instilling Hope

• Argues therapists’ personal values impact therapy; her own shaped by family divorce experience.

• Emphasizes the necessity of conveying hope to clients.

• Divorce in her own family left long-term emotional residue, fueling her passion for saving marriages.

The Importance of Relationships

• High remarriage divorce rates reinforce need to work on existing relationships.

• Encourages couples to “love the one they’re with” and invest in the long haul.

• Published Divorce Busting in 1992, gaining national attention for her work with couples in crisis.

Working with One Partner

• Refutes idea that working with one partner is second-rate therapy; defines therapy by focus, not attendance.

• One-person work stops the blame cycle and empowers change.

• Validates the ambivalent partner while helping them notice improvements.

The Walk Away Wife Syndrome

• Women often become primary emotional caretakers; when needs aren’t met, they disengage and plan exits silently.

• Men often surprised when wives leave, not recognizing years of emotional signals.

• Rebuilding requires time together and attention to relational maintenance.

Building Rapport and Setting Goals

• Introduces seven-step model for working with individuals:

  1. Define problem from partner’s perspective

  2. Validate feelings

  3. Identify exceptions

  4. Amplify positive changes

  5. Do more of what works

  6. Do less of what doesn’t

  7. Try new strategies

Flexibility, Creativity, and Doing Something Different

• Encourages clients to be unpredictable and to change dysfunctional interaction patterns.

• Shares story of woman confronting her husband after reading Divorce Busting and seeing positive results.

• Recommends therapists model creativity and experimentation.

Infidelity and Its Prevalence

• Discusses media cases (e.g., Tiger Woods) to highlight ubiquity of affairs.

• Works frequently with couples healing from betrayal.

• Emphasizes confidentiality, emotional safety, and concrete steps toward rebuilding.

Challenges in Therapy and Embracing Change

• Focuses only on interventions that work—lets go of favorites that don’t.

• Advocates trying new strategies with flexibility rather than rigidly applying theory.

Healing from Infidelity: Early Stages

• Normalize pain and confusion of the betrayed partner.

• Encourage emotional expression without attacking.

• Ask both partners to identify what’s been missing in the relationship.

Middle and Late Stages of Healing

• Normalize setbacks and encourage reflection on progress.

• Support the unfaithful partner in taking responsibility, showing remorse, and ending the affair.

• Help couples re-establish trust through consistent effort.

The Role of the Unfaithful Person

• Must show accountability and be willing to answer tough questions.

• Should commit to transparency and rebuilding trust.

• Must be patient with the healing timeline and understand partner’s pain.

The Importance of Communication and Trust

• Open dialogue is critical; betrayed partner must feel safe and reassured.

• Therapist helps couples create a new, trust-based foundation.

• Promotes behavioral follow-through on commitments.

The Therapist’s Role

• Be directive, practical, and hopeful.

• Help clients track progress and focus on forward momentum.

• Stay flexible and experiment with what works.

The Importance of Self-Forgiveness

• Unfaithful partners need to forgive themselves to fully reengage in the relationship.

• Therapist helps them understand mistakes as part of being human.

• Encourages modeling compassion and connection in the therapist’s own life.