CC22 Panel 02 - Lies and Deception - Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT; Ari Tuckman, PsyD, CST; Ellyn Bader, PhD

A review of the pitfalls of deception as applied to relationships including therapeutic approaches.

Learning Objectives:

1. List three types of deception

2. Given a couple where deception is a factor, indicate a therapeutic approach.

Outline:

Panel Introduction & Structure

• Topic: Lies and deception in therapy.

• Panel structure: Speakers present alphabetically, each given about 10 minutes.

Introduction to Lies & Deception

• Importance of addressing deception in therapy.

• Quote: “The truth is rarely pure and never simple” (Oscar Wilde).

• Four main types of lies:

  • Loving lies (to protect feelings)

  • Conflict-avoiding lies (to keep peace)

  • Passive-aggressive lies (hidden hostility)

  • Felony lies (severe betrayal)

• Understanding lie types helps guide therapeutic approach.

Why People Lie & Detecting Deception

• People lie primarily to avoid perceived loss.

• Detecting deception involves observing body cues:

  • Jerky movements, facial expressions.

  • Understanding brain responses in real-time.

• Gaslighting: creating confusion to protect oneself from consequences.

Felony Lies & Severe Betrayal

• Felony lies involve major betrayal (e.g., affairs, risky behaviors, hiding secrets).

• Important to identify underlying developmental or character issues behind these behaviors.

• Therapists help clients confront self-deception and recover from deep betrayal.

Therapist Fortitude & Rebuilding Trust

• Therapists require significant fortitude when dealing with lies and betrayals.

• Transparency from the betrayer is critical for rebuilding trust.

• Betrayed partners need space and time to express their pain and skepticism.

Challenges of Trust & Self-Deception

• Lies often linked to self-deception; clients deny their own dishonesty.

• Therapists must help clients recognize intentions behind lies.

• Evidence and transparency are crucial for rebuilding trust.

• Therapists need self-awareness to avoid bias or countertransference.

Examples of Extreme Lying

• Cases discussed include:

  • Person maintaining records of numerous affairs.

  • Lying about marital status and divorce.

  • Continued lying despite severe betrayal, even with extreme assurances.

Handling Skepticism & Rebuilding Trust

• When truth emerges, evidence plays a key role in regaining trust.

• The betrayed partner’s willingness to trust again is essential.

• Rebuilding trust requires sustained effort and therapeutic guidance.

Conclusion & Final Thoughts

• Addressing lies and deception is critical in couples therapy.

• Therapists need emotional strength and commitment to support couples through the painful process.

• Emphasis on transparency, evidence, and therapist’s self-awareness.

• Highlight the significant impact of deception and the necessity of therapeutic intervention.