CC17 Keynote 06 - When Intimacy Feels Unsafe: Healing the Trauma Legacy in Couples Therapy - Janina Fisher, PhD

Description:

Early childhood trauma has lasting and dramatic effects on attachment formation and on the later capacity for intimacy and mutuality. Instead of experiencing relationships as a haven of safety, traumatized couples are driven by powerful wishes for and fears of closeness. By using somatic and mindfulness-based interventions, conflictual patterns are disrupted, allowing couples to address the intense responses and impulsive reactions that undermine all sense of safety and hope and recreate the experience of threat in the body and in the relationship.

Educational Objectives:

1. Discuss the neurobiological consequences of traumatic experience on individu- als and couples.
2. Identify signs of traumatic attachment in dyadic interaction.
3. Describe a trauma-focused paradigm for high-conflict couple relationships.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

Trauma and Attachment in Couples Therapy

• Trauma impacts the attachment system, making safety and love feel inaccessible in relationships.
• The nervous system develops in the context of attachment; trauma can cause lifelong dysregulation.
• The “window of tolerance” defines how much emotion or disconnection a person can handle before becoming dysregulated.

Impact of Traumatic Attachment on Children

• Children with traumatic attachment often experience chronic high arousal, fear, and impulsivity.
• These children are frequently misdiagnosed with disorders such as oppositional defiant disorder or avoidant personality disorder.
• Traumatic attachment creates a longing for an idealized rescuer and makes disappointment difficult to tolerate.

Non-Verbal Implicit Memories in Couples Therapy

• Trauma is stored in the body and emotions, not just in words.
• Couples often react to each other based on non-verbal, implicit trauma memories.
• Defensive responses like freezing, fleeing, or submitting frequently arise in relationships.
• Patterns of hyper-arousal (over-reactivity) and hypo-arousal (numbing/shutdown) contribute to conflict.

Trauma-Related Defensive Responses in Couples

• Chronic hyper-arousal can show up as impulsivity, anger, or hyper-vigilance.
• Chronic hypo-arousal may appear as numbness or emotional withdrawal.
• These patterns often result in one partner feeling abandoned, and the other feeling overwhelmed.
• Trauma survivors may struggle with trust and emotional safety in close relationships.

Disorganized Attachment and Relationship Dynamics

• Disorganized attachment involves a push-pull dynamic: craving closeness but avoiding it.
• Survivors may lack object permanency and constancy, making absence or disconnection triggering.
• Preoccupied partners may feel neglected quickly, while avoidant partners tend to conceal emotions.
• These attachment styles can be hard for therapists to access and navigate in sessions.

Therapeutic Approaches to Trauma in Couples Therapy

• Non-verbal therapeutic approaches are often more effective than talk therapy alone.
• Sensorimotor psychotherapy addresses trauma through body-based awareness and responses.
• Helping couples understand their nervous system “styles” is essential to reducing reactivity.
• Incorporating play and fun in therapy helps rebuild connection and counteract trauma’s rigidity.

Educating Couples on Trauma and Relationships

• Emphasis on creating mutual safety and recognizing trauma as the shared “enemy.”
• Triggering each other is treated as a no-fault system to reduce blame and shame.
• Therapists should carefully titrate emotional risk to maintain safety during sessions.

Practical Strategies for Couples Therapy

• Assignments like surprising one another can rebuild fun and pleasure in the relationship.
• Creating a safe, regulated atmosphere in the therapy room supports emotional engagement.
• Therapists’ use of voice, energy, and body language is key to avoiding re-traumatization.
• Educating couples on their nervous system patterns enhances awareness and connection.

Honoring Defensive Strategies in Therapy

• Defensive responses are adaptive and should be treated with respect, not shame.
• Clients should be seen as capable of learning to connect, not broken or helpless.
• Understanding the purpose of defenses helps therapists work more compassionately.
• Promoting positive emotional states supports healing and secure attachment.

Final Thoughts and Closing

• The session ends with a quote on the power of practice in creating satisfying relationships.
• Emphasis on practicing relational skills regularly—even outside of therapy.
• A humorous cartoon illustrates common struggles in couples work.
• Final note of gratitude and well wishes for the audience.