CC17 Keynote 02 - The Crisis of Fidelity: Managing First Sessions - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Ellyn will present a video of a first session with a couple about to separate after a third discovered infidelity. The session, conducted by Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson focuses on illuminating how one partner’s unresolved family of origin issues create pain for both partners, contribute to infidelity and inhibit the development of the relationship. After the video presentation, Janis Spring will comment. We all learn more when we see therapeutic work discussed from multiple perspectives.

Educational Objectives:

1. Recognize 5 early stage treatment issues when infidelity is revealed.
2. Uncover underlying unresolved trauma and demonstrate to the partners how this contributed to infidelity.
3. Avoid getting pulled into the blame/shame cycle.
4. Prevent the critical mistake of rushing to smooth things over too quickly.
5. Elicit insight and accountability without alienating either partner.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

• Introduction and Background

  • Ellen Bader introduced, recognized for decades of work in couples therapy and activism.
  • Janice joins as the session discussant, focusing on infidelity.
  • Ellen receives a thank-you balloon for her contributions.

• Infidelity as a Crisis

  • Ellen asks audience members to stand if they or clients have experienced infidelity.
  • Stresses the importance of the first therapy session for grounding clients in trauma.
  • Therapists must manage their own biases, emotions, and the couple’s immediate crisis.

• First Session Goals and Challenges

  • Goals: slow impulsive decisions, assess accountability, and create space for pain.
  • Recommends extended first sessions due to emotional intensity.
  • Prepares audience for a case example involving repeated infidelity.

• Case Study: Couple in Crisis

  • Couple: 4 years together, planning engagement, facing the third instance of infidelity.
  • Woman expresses trauma and fear of trusting again.
  • Man struggles to connect emotionally due to unresolved trauma over his father’s suicide.
  • Ellen and Pete facilitate understanding, while Janice highlights the man’s need for curiosity and vigilance.

• Deeper Exploration of Perspectives

  • Woman describes loss of identity and lack of space for her pain.
  • Man reveals his fear of commitment tied to family history.
  • Couple decides to live separately and continue individual therapy.
  • Janice praises the session’s creation of emotional safety.

• Reflections and Broader Impact

  • Ellen reflects on how the first session shapes future therapy outcomes.
  • Shares another case involving a secret long-term affair with a call girl.
  • Emphasizes therapists’ role in holding hope and direction for couples in crisis.
  • Ends by expressing her passion for the complexity of infidelity work.