CC16 Workshop 09 - Pursuers and Distancers: Attachment Theory and Beyond - Terry Real, LICSW

Description: This workshop on attachment and Relational Life Therapy examines the dynamics between pursuers and distancers, focusing on vulnerability, self-disclosure, and boundary issues. Participants learn to use the relational grid to assess client positioning, and explore tailored strategies for love avoidance rooted in avoidance or enmeshment. The session also highlights leverage in therapy, the impact of early family roles like the “lost child,” and upcoming RLT training opportunities, including collaboration with Esther Perel.

Syllabus Description: Attachment theory posits, along with those healthy ones, the ‘securely attached,” two important types of troubled groups—those with “anxious,” and “avoidant,” attachment styles. Said in plain English, this amounts to pursuers and distancers. But the pursuer/distancer dynamic has been a central concern to couples and family therapy since it’s inception in the nineteen-fifties. This workshop will look at some of the many ways this dynamic has been thought of and treated—from recursive feedback loops, to “love addiction/love avoidance,” to attachment styles and beyond. Participants will learn how to factor in—along with the boundary issue of distance and closeness—the element of self-esteem, looking at the difference, for example, between a one-down, shame-based pursuer and a oneup, grandiose pursuer. Two distinct types of distancer will be described along with the particular kinds of trauma that produces them and the very different treatment they each require. The hopeful idea that getting the pursuer to back off will allow for the distancer spontaneously to come forward turns out to be mostly wishful thinking. Through lecture, exercises, and videotaped demonstration, participants will learn precise and effective strategies for helping the pursuer be more spacious and inviting, while helping the distancer open up and engage.

Educational Objectives:

1. Distinguish between Type 1 (abandonment-based) and Type 2 (enmeshmentbased) distancers.  
2. Describe specific techniques for helping the anxiously attached partner reappropriate his or her lost sense of abundance.  
3. Explain targeted techniques for helping both types of distancers open and engage.  

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

• Polarization explained using the relational grid (four quadrants based on boundaries and self-esteem).

• Clients tend to fall into repeating patterns within these quadrants.

Treatment Approaches for Pursuers and Distancers

• Boundaryless/One-Down Pursuers: focus on abundance and self-worth.

• Boundaryless/One-Up Pursuers: work on containment and boundaries.

• One-Down Avoidant Distancers: re-empower and re-engage.

• Walled Off/One-Up Distancers: bring down defenses and encourage connection.

Types of Love Avoidance

• Type 1: Modeled from avoidant homes, need external motivation.

• Type 2: Result of enmeshment, work on negotiation and vulnerability.

Case Study and Therapeutic Techniques

• Case: Type 2 avoidant man with enmeshment trauma.

• Techniques: leverage, joining through truth, teaching closeness.

• Empower partner to confront while addressing sustainable hurt in both.

Q&A and Further Insights

• Topics include resentment vs. victimhood, two-step defenses (anger then depression), and avoidance types.

• Safety: clients should not be pushed to confront if at risk.

Training and Certification for Therapists

• Family roles (hero, scapegoat, lost child) linked to adult love dependency.

• Training: Two-day Level 1 course in LA, plus year-long track with practicums.

• Interest-based trainings offered in cities like San Francisco and Seattle.

• Collaboration with Esther Perel: rebroadcast + two live events on sex, love, and power.