CC16 Workshop 04 - Trauma and Intimacy – How Relationships Hurt and Heal - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

Research confirms our clinical experience. We can teach partners all manner of skills but in moments of triggering, emotional flooding, skills go out the window. Why? Because we are no longer in our adult selves. Our thinking brain has shut down and the limbic system has taken over. An inner child part has seized the wheel. This workshop introduces a model of working with the traumatized parts of the partners we treat by empowering individuals to come into conscious relationship with those parts—loving, understanding, and ultimately containing them. Maturity comes when we deal with our immature inner children and stop foisting them off on our partners to deal with. An expanded model of trauma will be presented, including both issues of shame and grandiosity, intrusion and abandonment—and how these impact couples interactions. Through discussion, demonstration, and video excerpt, participants will learn how to empower partners in couples to “detach from outcome,” deal with disappointment, let go of, “relentless hope,” and care for their own wounded or adapted inner children. Finally, we will touch upon the couples therapist’s own differentiation—how we must use in the therapy, the same capacities we develop in our clients.

Educational Objectives:

1. Introduce and detail the idea of “mutual triggering,”—how childhood trauma fuels repetitive, problematic couple’s dynamics.
2. Distinguish two different types of inner children—the wounded and the adapted child.
3. Describe specific techniques for empowering the adult part of the partner to deal with trauma triggering and shift the repetitive interactive pattern. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Leverage in Dealing with Difficult Individuals

• Leverage = having what the person wants + standing between them and consequences.

• Common leverage points: a happier spouse or protecting children from inherited harm.

• Key to motivating accountability in narcissistic or difficult clients.

Three Phases of Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

• Phase 1: Wake up the inner child.

• Phase 2: Do inner child trauma work.

• Phase 3: Teach new skills and foster connection.

• RLT uses the partner in trauma work to build empathy—contrasts with traditional transference-based therapy.

The Importance of Deep Characterological Change

• Couples therapy must go deeper than behavior change.

• Surface complaints often mask deeper growth needs.

• Partner dynamics offer rich leverage for addressing deep-seated patterns (adaptive child behaviors).

Understanding Trauma and Its Impact on Relationships

• Focus on early/relational trauma, not just single-event PTSD.

• Trauma = disruption in relational safety; healing = restoring connection.

• Partner presence in trauma work deepens empathy and intimacy.

The Role of the Functional Adult and Adaptive Child

• Psyche = functional adult (mature), wounded child (hurt), adaptive child (rigid defense).

• Dysfunctional relational styles often come from the adaptive child.

• RLT teaches shifting from reactive adaptive child to grounded functional adult.

Broadening the Understanding of Trauma

• Trauma includes passive neglect and false empowerment, not just overt abuse.

• False empowerment fosters grandiosity and later dysfunction.

• Facing "sustainable hurt" is necessary for growth and healthy relationships.

Working with Same-Sex Couples

• Core relational issues are the same, but oppression and socialization must be considered.

• Understanding each partner’s coming-out story is key to their relational dynamics.

• External factors like exes and blended family challenges may add complexity.

Rituals and Symbols in Therapy

• Rituals help mark turning points and reinforce new beginnings.

• Can be simple or elaborate, but must be meaningful to the couple.

• Example: a couple celebrated their reset relationship with a creative ritual.

Handling Decompensation and Dissociation

• Clients in flashbacks or dissociation need grounding (back into the body).

• Allow emotional abreaction but prioritize safety and use clinical judgment.

• Empathy and containment are key to navigating intense trauma responses.

Proactive Versus Reactive Therapy

• RLT can be preventive, not just crisis-based.

• Skill-building is valuable for early-stage couples or students.

• Teach young people (especially boys) to recognize and outgrow adaptive child patterns.