CC13 Workshop 01 - The New Rules of Marriage: A Passionate Approach to Couples and Couples Therapy - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy ™ deals with the most stuck, most intractable cases by dealing squarely with issues of character. His Relationship Bootcamp begins with this slogan: “Other Workshops Teach You Skills: We Deal With the Part of You That Won’t Use Them.” WHAT you do matters less than WHICH PART OF YOU is at the wheel—the mature, present part of you, or an immature, triggered part of you. “We teach individuals in couples how to be relational—changing each individual’s character as we change the relationship between them.” RLT uses the current relationship both as leverage and as the laboratory in which individuals can learn and master the art of “relational mindfulness”—a practice of bringing your best self into play in your most heated moments.

Educational Objectives:

1. Describe the basic tenets of Relational Life Therapy.
2. Apply the Relational Grid as a diagnostic tool.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Internal Boundaries and Resentment

• Resentment comes from being behind a healthy boundary, not from containment.

• Internal boundaries are about self-responsibility and emotional regulation.

• Healthy boundary work involves being civilized, not detached.

Understanding Internal Boundaries

• Boundaries are like skin — they protect your psyche.

• Internal boundaries are essential for intimacy and couple function.

• Grandiosity often correlates with boundarylessness.

Practical Exercise on Internal Boundaries

• Participants imagine a force field that lets in truth but keeps them contained.

• Goal: feel strength, practice shame appropriately, and understand emotional limits.

Storytelling and Boundary Work

• Terry shares a story about an inflatable sheep gift gone wrong.

• Lesson: boundaries help us receive feedback and own mistakes.

• Shame is appropriate when we’ve done something wrong.

Dealing with Over-Accommodation

• Over-accommodation leads to resentment.

• Don’t play the victim — own your choices and act intentionally.

• Boundaries clarify what you will and won’t tolerate.

Core Negative Images (CNIs)

• CNIs are exaggerated versions of how you see your partner at their worst.

• Recognizing your own and your partner’s CNI helps reduce reactive behavior.

• CNIs offer insight into unresolved personal and relational wounds.

Exercise on Core Negative Images

• Participants identify and write down their partner’s and their own CNIs.

• Also list what behaviors trigger or reduce these images.

• Honesty is key for meaningful insight.

Impact of Core Negative Images on Relationships

• CNIs create repetitive conflict cycles.

• Knowing each other’s CNIs helps break patterns.

• Shared understanding allows for more empathy and patience.

Strategies for Managing Core Negative Images

• Don’t argue with your partner’s CNI — understand and address it.

• Predict what might trigger it, and manage your response.

• Take ownership of how your behavior impacts your partner’s fears.

Catherine’s CNI and Her Partner’s Behavior

• Her view: he’s anxious, disorganized, needy, judgmental.

• His likely CNI of her: avoidant, secretive, controlling.

• Dynamic: she’s walled off; he’s boundaryless and seeking care.

Sharon’s CNI and Her Partner’s Behavior

• Her view: he’s rigid, controlling, harsh, judgmental.

• His view of her: selfish, cold, manipulative.

• Both are one-up and boundaryless, relying on control and righteousness.

Megan’s CNI and Her Boyfriend’s Behavior

• Her view: selfish, immature, boring, disconnected.

• His view of her: needy, critical, relentless.

• She uses control and self-expression; he uses withdrawal and retaliation.

Winning Strategies and Techniques

• Five core strategies:

  1. Go after what you want

  2. Listen to understand

  3. Respond generously

  4. Empower your partner

  5. Cherish what you have

• Use positive requests instead of complaints.

• Practice the feedback wheel for clear communication.

Elaine’s CNI and Bridge Partner’s Behavior

• Her view: controlling, yells in public.

• Feedback: express how it feels and request respectful behavior.

• Terry advises setting limits and following through.

Heather’s Question and Moderateness

• Her husband: rigid, angry, irritable.

• Advice: respond with moderateness, take breaks when needed.

• Don’t escalate — stay grounded in your functional adult.