CC12 Workshop 09 – “We Can’t Communicate” What Does This Mean? – Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Couples come to therapy saying “we can’t communicate.” It sounds simple. Yet what does this really mean? Closer examination often reveals trauma, chronic hostility, narcissistic entitlement, or long-term conflict avoidance. And resolution requires internal self-development that may be resisted by one or both partners. This advanced workshop will use video segments to demonstrate the intricacies of resolving predictable communication breakdowns and supporting couples development.

Educational Objectives:

1. Demonstrate how to encapsulate each partner’s developmental growth edge.
2. Delineate 5 steps in supporting differentiation. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline 

Introduction to Communication Challenges

• Communication is the most common presenting issue in couples therapy.
• A celebrity quote humorously suggests all relationships should be supervised.
• Anecdote: A waiter offers to help a struggling couple communicate during dinner.
• "We can’t communicate" often means "I don’t feel heard" or "We just fight."

Understanding Communication Barriers

• Couples tend to blame each other instead of owning their part in communication breakdowns.
• Emotional maturity is essential for healthy communication.
• Exercise: Participants write down how they want to act in tough conversations.

Key Principles for Addressing Communication

1. Communication issues are often misdiagnosed—deeper emotional problems are at play.
2. Vulnerability is essential for real connection.
3. Emotional development and maturity are critical for success.

• Emphasis on navigating both emotional distance and closeness.
• Differentiation is necessary for growth and healthy communication.

Case Study – First Therapy Session

• Video example: Couple overwhelmed by drugs, alcohol, financial stress, and conflict avoidance.
• Early therapy should demonstrate what good communication feels like.
• Vulnerability and emotional openness create connection.

Intervening in Negative Communication Cycles

• Example: Dave feels overwhelmed; Tammy copes by withdrawing.
• Therapist encapsulates both partners’ behaviors non-judgmentally.
• Common self-protective strategies: blame, withdrawal, victimhood, confusion, resentful compliance.

Building Emotional Capacity

• Couples need to build emotional resilience for better communication.
• Creating new brain pathways comes from positive, vulnerable interactions.
• Therapists must guide couples to take emotional risks ("developmental assists").

Differentiation in Communication

• Differentiation = expressing yourself while staying connected.
• Requires self-reflection, expressing desires, and staying open.
• Roles explained:
  • Initiator: Brings up issues vulnerably.
  • Inquirer: Listens, asks curious questions, stays open.
• Personal story: Speaker facing down a cheetah—staying calm and curious under pressure.

Practical Tools for Couples

• Initiator-Inquirer Process:
  • Initiator raises issues without defensiveness.
  • Inquirer listens deeply and asks clarifying, curious questions.
• Especially helpful (and tricky) with hostile couples—must be set up carefully.
• Focus on creating "soothing moments" to reinforce good communication.

Final Thoughts & Exercises

• Encourage personal/professional risk-taking to improve communication skills.
• Reflect on becoming a better initiator or inquirer in key relationships.
• Exercise: Identify personal areas for growth in communication.
• Workshop concludes with thanks and resources for further learning.