Description:
This workshop will identify the common mistakes in working with mixed-agenda couples (one leaning out and the other leaning in), and will teach you a protocol for “Discernment Counseling” to help clients make a decision that has integrity for all involved and that improves the odds that couples will try therapy to heal their broken bond.
Educational Objectives:
*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*
Outline:
Opening Remarks and Workshop Purpose
Speaker sets a casual tone, encouraging rest and humor.
Participants share reasons for attending: personal, professional, or curiosity-driven.
Focus is on “in and out couples” where one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in.
Defining Mixed Agenda Couples
Roughly 30% of couples in therapy are mixed agenda.
These couples are high-stakes due to lifetime commitment, yet lack clear treatment models.
Therapists often mistakenly pursue the ambivalent partner, leading to unproductive therapy.
Discernment Counseling Overview
Time-limited approach (1–5 sessions) to help couples decide whether to divorce or try reconciliation.
Emphasizes clarity, individual reflection, and mutual responsibility.
Distinct from traditional couples therapy; focuses on decision-making, not relationship repair.
Case Example: Ambivalent Husband
Example of “Dan,” a husband emotionally detached from his marriage.
Therapist helps Dan see his impact, reframe masculinity, and consider long-term consequences.
Emphasizes role accountability for both partners.
Hard vs. Soft Reasons for Divorce
Hard reasons: abuse, affairs; Soft reasons: disconnection, poor communication.
Therapists validate both experiences and help clarify readiness for change.
Encourages self-reflection, especially for partners with soft reasons for leaving.
Video Demonstration
Clip shows a session with Dan, highlighting structured, individual-focused counseling.
Therapist balances hope and pain while guiding reflection.
Reinforces importance of separate sessions for honest emotional expression.
Addressing Therapy Fears and Identity
Clients fear losing individuality or “softening” in therapy.
Therapist reassures that growth doesn’t mean losing self—uses real examples to illustrate.
Affirms clients can remain strong while becoming emotionally open.
Individual Therapy Insights
Wife’s food addiction tied to marriage-related stress.
Shows how individual therapy can support or redirect marital decisions.
Emphasizes low-conflict marriages may be better for children than high-conflict ones.
Decision to Stay Together
Couple chooses to work on the marriage for their children and personal growth.
Highlights the power of role ownership, mutual reflection, and realistic expectations.
Challenges with Leaning In Partners
Leaning in partners can fall into victimhood, resisting self-accountability.
Therapist uses motivational interviewing to invite self-examination.
Emphasizes respectful co-parenting and constructive crisis response.
Addressing Affairs in Counseling
Affairs handled privately in individual sessions to protect therapeutic integrity.
Transparency is key; couples therapy may be paused if necessary.
Affairs are used as opportunities for meaning-making and deeper reflection.
Dealing with Ambivalence
Some couples need longer than five sessions to reach clarity.
Therapist stresses not rushing the process and maintaining session boundaries.
Chronically ambivalent couples need higher clinical skill and patience.
Strategies for Leaning In Partners
Encouraged to bring their “best selves” to the crisis.
Must avoid desperation, blaming, or over-pursuit.
Affirm concerns but challenge unproductive behaviors.
Case Studies and Successes
Examples of couples using crisis as a turning point for personal change.
Emotional affairs and midlife shifts are addressed with structure and empathy.
Change comes through mutual reflection, accountability, and therapist support.
Final Thoughts and Reflections
Discernment counseling provides clarity, whether couples stay together or part.
Therapist’s role is to support self-awareness, not push outcomes.
Mutual growth and reflection are essential to resolving marriage crises.
William J. Doherty is an educator, researcher, therapist, speaker, author, consultant, and community organizer. He is Professor and Director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program in the Department of Family Social Science, College of Education and Human Development, at the University of Minnesota, where he is also an adjunct Professor in the Department of Family Medicine and Community Health.