CC12 Workshop 04 – When One Says “Divorce” and the Other Says “Let’s Try.” A New Way to Work with Mixed-Agenda Couples – William Doherty, PhD

Description:

This workshop will identify the common mistakes in working with mixed-agenda couples (one leaning out and the other leaning in), and will teach you a protocol for “Discernment Counseling” to help clients make a decision that has integrity for all involved and that improves the odds that couples will try therapy to heal their broken bond.

Educational Objectives:

1. Identify the most common mistakes therapists make in working with couples that present with opposite wishes for staying together versus breaking up.
2. Discuss a protocol for working with these mixed agenda couples.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Opening Remarks and Workshop Purpose

• Speaker sets a casual tone, encouraging rest and humor.

• Participants share reasons for attending: personal, professional, or curiosity-driven.

• Focus is on “in and out couples” where one partner is leaning out, the other leaning in.

Defining Mixed Agenda Couples

• Roughly 30% of couples in therapy are mixed agenda.

• These couples are high-stakes due to lifetime commitment, yet lack clear treatment models.

• Therapists often mistakenly pursue the ambivalent partner, leading to unproductive therapy.

Discernment Counseling Overview

• Time-limited approach (1–5 sessions) to help couples decide whether to divorce or try reconciliation.

• Emphasizes clarity, individual reflection, and mutual responsibility.

• Distinct from traditional couples therapy; focuses on decision-making, not relationship repair.

Case Example: Ambivalent Husband

• Example of “Dan,” a husband emotionally detached from his marriage.

• Therapist helps Dan see his impact, reframe masculinity, and consider long-term consequences.

• Emphasizes role accountability for both partners.

Hard vs. Soft Reasons for Divorce

• Hard reasons: abuse, affairs; Soft reasons: disconnection, poor communication.

• Therapists validate both experiences and help clarify readiness for change.

• Encourages self-reflection, especially for partners with soft reasons for leaving.

Video Demonstration

• Clip shows a session with Dan, highlighting structured, individual-focused counseling.

• Therapist balances hope and pain while guiding reflection.

• Reinforces importance of separate sessions for honest emotional expression.

Addressing Therapy Fears and Identity

• Clients fear losing individuality or “softening” in therapy.

• Therapist reassures that growth doesn’t mean losing self—uses real examples to illustrate.

• Affirms clients can remain strong while becoming emotionally open.

Individual Therapy Insights

• Wife’s food addiction tied to marriage-related stress.

• Shows how individual therapy can support or redirect marital decisions.

• Emphasizes low-conflict marriages may be better for children than high-conflict ones.

Decision to Stay Together

• Couple chooses to work on the marriage for their children and personal growth.

• Highlights the power of role ownership, mutual reflection, and realistic expectations.

Challenges with Leaning In Partners

• Leaning in partners can fall into victimhood, resisting self-accountability.

• Therapist uses motivational interviewing to invite self-examination.

• Emphasizes respectful co-parenting and constructive crisis response.

Addressing Affairs in Counseling

• Affairs handled privately in individual sessions to protect therapeutic integrity.

• Transparency is key; couples therapy may be paused if necessary.

• Affairs are used as opportunities for meaning-making and deeper reflection.

Dealing with Ambivalence

• Some couples need longer than five sessions to reach clarity.

• Therapist stresses not rushing the process and maintaining session boundaries.

• Chronically ambivalent couples need higher clinical skill and patience.

Strategies for Leaning In Partners

• Encouraged to bring their “best selves” to the crisis.

• Must avoid desperation, blaming, or over-pursuit.

• Affirm concerns but challenge unproductive behaviors.

Case Studies and Successes

• Examples of couples using crisis as a turning point for personal change.

• Emotional affairs and midlife shifts are addressed with structure and empathy.

• Change comes through mutual reflection, accountability, and therapist support.

Final Thoughts and Reflections

• Discernment counseling provides clarity, whether couples stay together or part.

• Therapist’s role is to support self-awareness, not push outcomes.

• Mutual growth and reflection are essential to resolving marriage crises.