CC11 Workshop 14 - To Stay or Leave: Working with Ambivalent Couples on the Brink of Divorce - William Doherty, PhD

Description:

This workshop will help you examine how your values and life experience affect your treatment of couples on the brink of divorce, and will teach you a protocol for helping clients make a decision that has integrity for all involved and that improves the odds that couples will try to heal their broken bond.

Educational Objectives:

1. Describe how therapist’s values influence their work with couples on the brink of divorce.
2. Discuss a protocol for working with ambivalent couples.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Workshop Overview

• Focus on couples facing ambivalence—where one partner is considering leaving and the other is committed.

• Applies to both same-sex and opposite-sex couples; not focused on legally married couples.

• Emphasizes the need for models beyond traditional couples therapy for high-stakes, commitment-based relationships.

Challenges in Therapy Models

• Standard therapy assumes both partners are motivated to work on the relationship, which isn't always the case.

• Discusses lack of clear frameworks for couples on the brink of divorce.

• Highlights the therapist's challenge of engaging the more reluctant partner.

Divorce Trends and Legal Influence

• Notes women initiate divorce more frequently than men.

• Addresses limited resources for ambivalent couples.

• Attorneys, gender dynamics, and third-party influences are important factors.

The Couples on the Brink Project

• Funded by the Minnesota legislature through a marriage license surcharge.

• Trains therapists, clergy, and lawyers in best practices for couples in crisis.

• Includes a divorce education mandate for parents, with a reconciliation component.

Discernment Counseling Model

• A short-term, structured process to help couples decide whether to stay together or separate.

• Emphasizes clarity and confidence, not necessarily reconciliation.

• Focuses on divorce narrative, positive memories, and potential for repair.

Therapist Strategies and Tools

• Therapists challenge ambivalence without pressuring clients into decisions.

• Techniques include role-play, analogies (e.g., water in a well), and behavior reflection.

• Emphasizes addressing the present over past grievances.

Balancing Neutrality and Support

• Counselors maintain neutrality but lean toward reconciliation as a starting point.

• Encourage clients to bring their best selves to the process.

• Focus on self-differentiation and recognizing unfinished emotional work.

Case Examples and Insights

• Case: a wife rediscovers self-worth during the crisis; another involves helping an arrogant husband reflect.

• Therapists help prepare clients for partner responses and build emotional insight.

Addressing Low-Conflict Marriages

• Low-conflict but emotionally distant marriages are harmful for children.

• Therapists prompt clients to weigh the cost of leaving vs. the potential of staying.

Training and Expansion

• Discernment counseling training is expanding beyond Minnesota.

• Registry of marriage-friendly therapists offers resources to the public.

• Future goals include collaborative lawyer networks and widespread adoption.

Ethical and Clinical Considerations

• Neutrality must be preserved, especially in cases involving affairs or secrets.

• Not all cases lead to reconciliation; clear decision-making is the main goal.

• Discernment counseling supports healthier transitions, regardless of outcome.

Final Reflections and Action Steps

• Sessions are structured, with limited duration and a clear protocol.

• Discernment counseling may be court-mandated in some cases.

• Call to action for therapists: seek training, join networks, and elevate standards of care for ambivalent couples.