CC07 Workshop 10 - Affairs, Lies and Deception - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Lies and deception wreak havoc in couples' relationships. To work successfully with couples after significant betrayal, the therapist must use attachment and differentiation-based interventions. Learn to identify three patterns of deception; when deception can be repaired and when it can't; and what is the essence of successful repair.

Educational Objectives:

1. To identify three common patterns of deception.
2. To describe why strengthening differentiation is essential for successful repair.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

• Workshop focuses on helping couples develop honesty and emotional courage.
• Ellen Bader shares stats: 33% of women and 40% of men reported significant lies in their relationship.
• Reasons for lying: conflict avoidance, shame, self-esteem, passive-aggression, and major "felony" lies.

Early Differentiation & Conflict Tolerance

• Couples who fail to develop differentiation early (6 months–2 years) may struggle later.
• Therapists help couples face and manage conflict rather than avoid it.
• Example: Client took emotional risks, leading to deeper conversations.

The Initiator-Inquirer Tool

• Helps couples communicate desires without blame.
• One partner shares; the other listens and reflects for deeper empathy.
• Builds emotional muscle and supports healthy differentiation.

Examples of Differentiation & the "Lie Inviter"

• Partners may unknowingly invite lies by reacting poorly to honesty.
• Avoiding conflict or punishing honesty creates deception cycles.
• Differentiation helps partners tolerate hard truths without defensiveness.

Affairs & Relationship Dynamics

• Affairs often stem from emotional needs, revenge, self-esteem, or curiosity—not just sex.
• Types of betrayal differ by length, intent, and deception level.
• Developmental models help therapists understand when and why affairs occur.

Therapeutic Approaches to Affairs

• Couples therapy is preferred over individual work for rebuilding trust and accountability.
• Importance of creating a narrative, understanding motives, and facing the cost of deception.
• Therapists guide couples to avoid premature decisions and obsessive detail fixation.

Accountability, Repair Attempts & Recovery

• Accountability is central for the partner who had the affair.
• Repair attempts include honesty, empathy, symbolic gestures, and recognizing anniversaries.
• Obsessing over details can help create shared meaning but also risks re-traumatizing.

Cost of Lying & Emotional Growth

• Lies damage self-perception and relationship trust over time.
• Differentiation allows couples to handle tension, conflict, and truth-telling.
• Emotional growth requires taking risks, introspection, and building emotional resilience.

Key Takeaways

• Differentiation is essential for deep connection and honesty.
• Therapists support partners in facing truths, breaking destructive cycles, and fostering empathy.
• Recovery from deception involves accountability, narrative repair, and active emotional engagement.