CC07 Workshop 01 - Getting to the Heart of It: How to Change Couples Quickly, Dramatically, and Permanently - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

Learn the three key elements of Relationship Empowerment Therapy: The use of leverage; Attention to "clean-up" issues; The relationship grid. Participants will be introduced to techniques to help partners learn: Where they are stuck in their relationship; What "unfinished business" fuels their "stuckness;" The consequences of not changing, as well as the opportunities for change; How to get from where they are to where they need to be.

Educational Objectives:

1. To name three conditions for effective change.
2. To describe how to use the relationship grid as a diagnostic tool.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction and Initial Questions

• Speaker introduces his background with The Meadows and affiliation with Pia Mellody

• Discusses available training and workshops in Boston and elsewhere

• Emphasizes accessibility of relationship empowerment therapy regardless of financial situation

Training and Workshop Opportunities

• Offers three-day workshops with a participant minimum

• Laura Samit volunteers to coordinate a workshop in Anchorage

• Mentions teleclasses and skill-building sessions on his website

Handling Ambivalence in Couples Therapy

• Ambivalent partner should pursue individual therapy to gain clarity

• "Stable ambiguity" keeps couples stuck in indecision

• Goal: help clients become “relational champions” capable of cherishing and being cherished

Challenges in Relationships and Therapy

• Shares story of a couple stuck for 17 years

• Highlights the need for risk-taking, accountability, and boundary-setting

• Encourages movement from chronic indecision to relational action

Case Study: Susie and Steve

• Susie is love-avoidant; Steve is grandiose and selfish

• Therapy addressed both partners’ dysfunctional behaviors

• Focused on communication and shared responsibility

Principles of Relationship Therapy

• Relational empowerment prioritized over personal empowerment

• Encourage intimacy, boundary clarity, and ownership of one's role

• Cost-benefit analysis used to evaluate relationship health

Evaluating Relationships

• Clients should weigh the costs and benefits of staying together

• Emphasize effort and realism in rebuilding relationships

• Promote intentional decision-making and commitment

Addressing Grandiosity

• Grandiosity masks underlying shame and undermines intimacy

• Clients must be held accountable for grandiose behavior

• Teach respectful, responsible communication

Relational Grid and Self-Esteem

• Diagnostic tool: vertical axis (shame ↔ grandiosity), horizontal axis (boundaries)

• Both shame and grandiosity involve violence—toward self or others

• Goal is to move clients toward centered, relational self-esteem

Violence in Relationships

• Shame = internal violence; grandiosity = external violence

• Teach clients to interrupt violent patterns and practice non-violence in relationships

Boundaries and Grandiosity

• External boundaries: space, physical touch, sexual limits

• Internal boundaries: emotional regulation, containment, and protection

• Dysfunctional states include boundarylessness (enmeshment) and being walled off (withdrawal)

Love Addiction and Avoidance

• Love addicts: abandonment wounds, clingy, often one-down

• Love avoidants: enmeshment wounds, distant, often one-up

• Therapy helps both find relational balance

Boundary Dysfunctions and Relational Positions

• Four core patterns:

  • Boundaryless/One-Up

  • Boundaryless/One-Down

  • Walled Off/One-Up

  • Walled Off/One-Down

• Goal: move toward relational centeredness

Case Study: Family with Angry Father

• Father = one-up boundaryless; mother = enmeshed with children

• Children triangulated into conflict

• Therapy focuses on reducing parental grandiosity and improving dynamics

Challenges in Addressing Grandiosity

• Grandiosity must become “dystonic” (repulsive), not “syntonic” (comfortable)

• Legacy behaviors from family of origin must be challenged

• Requires leverage and concrete consequences

Techniques for Working with Grandiose Clients

• Confront rationalizations and minimizations

• Address “offending from the victim position,” common in patriarchal culture

• Cultural scripts often reinforce entitlement—must be named and disrupted

Case Study: Passive Aggressive Man & Raging Woman

• Both partners boundaryless and grandiose in different forms

• Children impacted by legacy trauma

• Therapy promotes shared accountability and systemic healing

Therapist Tools & Training

• Training, tools, and handouts available at terryreal.com

• Proper attribution required when using materials

• Encouragement to seek further training and supervision (contact: Marcy)