CC04 Workshop 08 - Treating Love-Avoidant Men - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

It is said that men are afraid of intimacy. Love-avoidant men don't know what intimacy is; what they fear is subjugation - being drained, used, entrapped. These men most often have histories of enmeshment with either one or both parents. That enmeshment can be positive (e.g. the caretaker} or negative (e.g. the scapegoat), but it always leaves the person with both shame and grandiosity. This workshop will introduce the techniques of teaching such men that the art of surrender requires confrontation, education, trauma work, the restoration of boundaries and the healing of both sides of the self-esteem disorder - shame and grandiosity.

Educational Objectives:

1. To describe the trauma that sets up love-avoidance.
2. To name the originator of the love-avoidant treatment framework.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction to Love-Avoidant Men and Pia Melody’s Work

• Pia Melody's work at The Meadows in Arizona shaped the speaker's understanding of love addiction and avoidance.

• Love addiction = abandonment wound from an unavailable opposite-sex parent.

• Love avoidance = enmeshment and poor boundaries, creating intimacy resistance.

• The speaker shares his personal experience as both love addict and avoidant.

Self-Esteem and Relationship Dynamics

• Healthy self-esteem is intrinsic; unhealthy forms include performance-, attribute-, and other-based.

• Love addiction reflects extreme other-based esteem.

• Relational recovery therapy focuses on regulating self-esteem.

Cultural Norms and Energy Dynamics

• Common pattern: love-dependent women and love-avoidant men.

• Enmeshment and abandonment impact parent-child energy flow and adult relationships.

• Children may play “hero” or “scapegoat” roles depending on enmeshment.

Dance of Contempt and Patriarchy

• Patriarchy encourages men to disown feminine traits, leading to “the dance of contempt.”

• Men suppress vulnerability; women often collude with this dynamic.

• Therapy must address and name these systems.

Love-Dependent and Avoidant Pairing

• Women often empathize with the “wounded boy” in avoidant men, trying to rescue them.

• Co-dependence can develop as women overfunction in relationships.

Therapist's Role and Grandiosity

• Grandiosity and shame must be confronted in therapy, especially for men.

• Women may protect men by withholding truth—this erodes intimacy.

• Therapists must help couples build mutual honesty and accountability.

Cultural Shifts and Future Directions

• Women have embraced masculine traits; men struggle to do the same with feminine ones.

• A new ideal: strong, big-hearted men who integrate both qualities.

Developmental vs. Relational Perspectives

• Traditional model: boys must separate from mothers to become men.

• Relational model: growth comes from maturing emotional connections, not separation.

• Traditional masculinity often causes trauma and resistance to intimacy.

Internal Boundaries and Connection

• Internal boundaries involve containment and protection.

• Tools include “truth scanning,” letting projections slide off, and managing emotional walls.

• Love avoidants need to emerge from walls into safe relational space.

Family Patterns and Empowerment

• Avoidant patterns often rooted in family enmeshment or trauma.

• Therapy helps men engage as “functional adults” rather than “adaptive children.”

• Building a “relationship-cherishing subculture” supports long-term change.

Interventions and Tools

• Tools: feelings journals, dream logs, needs check-ins.

• Normalize wants and needs; teach clients to show up for intimacy with authenticity.

• Address external intensity before tackling avoidant behavior.

Scapegoat Children and Addiction

• Scapegoat children may develop avoidant tendencies and addictive behaviors.

• Therapy must dismantle grandiosity before deeper relational work.

Final Reflections

• Cultural critique includes impact of the women's movement and hypersexualization.

• Therapy should affirm the divine feminine and help clients reclaim relational wholeness.

• Therapist’s job: guide clients to confront patterns and build healthier connection.