BT10 Workshop 46 - The Initiator-Inquirer Process: Not a Communication Technique - Ellyn Bader, PhD

Description:

Couples come to therapy and say “we can’t communicate.” They want your help with communication. Yet effective communication often reveals trauma, accumulated resentment, narcissism or anxiety about intimacy. Resolution requires internal self development that may be resisted by one or both partners. This advanced workshop will use video and clinical transcripts to demonstrate the intricacies of resolving predictable communication breakdowns and supporting development.

Educational Objectives:

1. Describe a continuum in the development of empathy during couples therapy.
2. Demonstrate a communication process that illuminates developmental impasses. 
3. List three predictive communication breakdowns and how to resolve them. 

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline

Introduction and Overview

• Workshop introduces the Initiator-Inquirer Process as a developmental tool—not just a communication technique.
• Participants reflect on their experience with couples and the process.
• Emphasis on long-term couples therapy work and the need for emotional growth, not quick fixes.

Understanding Communication Problems

• “We can’t communicate” is the most common presenting issue.
• Communication issues are often symptoms of deeper personal and relational struggles.
• Core principles:
  1. Communication problems are rarely as they seem.
  2. Teaching skills too soon can backfire.
  3. Experiential work is more effective than explanation.

Therapeutic Foundations

• Many couples seek communication tools without doing the hard work of differentiation.
• Accountability, motivation, and addressing defensive behaviors are critical.
• First sessions focus on separating partner concerns and identifying self-protective patterns.

Common Coping Mechanisms

• Five common patterns:
  • Blame/attack
  • Withdrawal
  • Victim mindset
  • Resentful compliance
  • Confusion
• Therapy links current coping with past experiences and introduces “developmental assists” to support growth.

Demonstration and Intervention Techniques

• Video session showcases real couple facing disconnection and substance-related issues.
• Techniques demonstrated:
  • Managing deflection (e.g., “Let’s back up”)
  • Focusing on the partner’s experience
  • Modeling emotional accountability

Building Effective Communication

• Initiator role: express concerns clearly, without blame.
• Inquirer role: ask curious, empathic questions.
• Focus on staying present, managing reactivity, and building emotional engagement.

Experiential Learning

• Role-play and writing exercises help participants practice initiating/inquiring.
• Encourages self-reflection, emotional regulation, and effective expression.

Developmental Progression & Assessment

• Continuum introduced to assess initiator skill level and track client (or therapist) growth.
• Clients learn to bring up emotions like shame or fear in real-time.

Working with Challenging Clients

• Narcissistic clients: struggle with empathy, avoid inquiry, require creative empathy-building.
• Borderline clients: need containment and consistency, even with slow progress.

Empathy Through Vulnerability

• Therapist self-disclosure can model vulnerability and encourage client openness.
• Example: resistant client shared fears after therapist shared a personal story.

Case Follow-Up: Dave

• Dave initially reactive and closed; therapy helped him reflect and regulate emotions.
• Follow-up focuses on emotional listening and expressing wants without negativity.

Short-Term Therapy & EAP Settings

• In brief models, set clear goals and educate clients on the option for deeper work.
• Tell Me No Lies recommended for addressing complex relational dynamics.

Conclusion

• Workshop ends with Q&A and reinforcement of key themes: differentiation, accountability, and real-time emotional work.