Audience Engagement
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Sets the tone with a sex joke to introduce the "sex starved marriage" concept.
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Shares background as the “Divorce Buster,” known for helping couples stay together.
Early Career and Training
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Started in social services and private practice.
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Trained with Steve de Shazer; shifted from traditional insight therapy to solution-focused strategies.
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Realized emotional sharing alone wasn’t enough to create change.
Challenges in Traditional Therapy
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Traditional therapy often increased polarization.
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Stressed the importance of helping couples manage conflict and work as a team.
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Sought additional training to better support lasting change.
Discovering the Sex Starved Marriage
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Learned to ask targeted questions to help couples find solutions.
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Found success reconnecting couples through addressing sexual issues directly.
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Emphasized the role of hope in facilitating change.
Personal Experience and Motivation
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Grew up in a happy family; mother’s later divorce deeply affected her.
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Committed to making her own marriage work despite struggles.
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Inspired to help others preserve their relationships.
The Importance of Sex in Marriage
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Desire discrepancy is a common, impactful issue.
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Shared statistics on low sexual desire in men and women.
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Addressing sexual issues is crucial for improving overall relationship satisfaction.
Therapeutic Approaches and Techniques
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Focuses on strengths, resilience, and interrupting negative patterns.
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Case example: reframed performance anxiety to restore confidence.
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Offers tools to improve communication and intimacy.
Addressing Desire Discrepancy
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One partner often controls sex due to lower desire.
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Emphasizes understanding and balancing both partners’ needs.
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Stresses the importance of addressing both personal and relational factors.
Impact of Childbirth on Sexual Relationships
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Childbirth can disrupt sexual connection, especially for women.
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Women often feel rejected post-birth; men may feel ignored.
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Encourages couples to prioritize time alone and nurture intimacy.
Personal Responsibility in Relationships
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Promotes the “it takes one to tango” approach—one partner can initiate change.
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Often begins therapy with just one spouse.
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Frames the marriage itself as the client to foster mutual accountability.
Tips for Low Desire Spouses
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Encourages taking responsibility for sexual desire.
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Desire framed as a choice, not just a feeling.
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Notes trial-and-error is needed; no one-size-fits-all fix.
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41% of women report low desire; challenges cultural assumptions.
Challenging Conventional Sexual Response Stages
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Cites Dr. Rosemary Basson: arousal can precede desire.
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Many people enjoy sex once it begins, even if not initially in the mood.
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Introduces the “embers” metaphor—respond to small cues of desire.
Physical and Emotional Benefits of Sexual Activity
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Sex boosts testosterone, estrogen, cardiovascular health, and reduces pain.
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Emotionally, it deepens connection and nurtures mutual care.
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Incorporates Gary Chapman's “love languages” to improve emotional intimacy.
Tips for High Desire Spouses
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Understand and respond to a partner’s love language and turn-ons (often outside the bedroom).
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Appreciate small efforts from the low-desire partner.
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Focus on real giving—meeting the partner’s needs, not just one’s own preferences.
Addressing Infidelity in Marriages
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Infidelity is a common, serious issue in therapy.
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Recommends empathy and non-judgment in helping couples recover.
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Works with couples even when one partner is still involved in an affair.
Strategies for Healing from Infidelity
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Encourage physical closeness and shared time to rebuild connection.
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Betrayed spouses need space to express pain and ask questions.
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Promotes “thought stopping” to manage obsessive thoughts about the affair.
Tasks for the Unfaithful Partner
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End the affair, show remorse, and be transparent.
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Be accountable and patient.
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Identify underlying issues that contributed to the infidelity.
The Last Resort Technique
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Aimed at the partner desperate to save the marriage.
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Involves adopting new, surprising behaviors to regain interest.
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Encourages projecting confidence and positivity, even during emotional pain.
Normalizing Emotions and Anger
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Acknowledges lingering feelings and hidden anger in both partners.
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Helps couples express and manage emotions productively.
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Focus on small signs of progress to build momentum.
Conclusion and Final Thoughts
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Emphasizes empathy, patience, and mutual responsibility in healing.
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Reminds therapists to remain committed, even when progress is slow.
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Highlights real giving and mutual care-taking as pillars of a fulfilling marriage.
