CC18 Keynote 04 - Working with Difficult Men: How to Engage, Understand, and Transform Male Clients - Terry Real, LICSW

Description:

At no other time in history have men been so awash in mixed cultural messages and in such a state of transition, confusion, reactivity, and trouble. Despite being basically good hearted, many men continue to make a hash of their relationships. We therapists can help, but not before rethinking some of the sacred cows of therapeutic practice. Men need action and leadership from us, challenging them while still loving the little boy inside them and offering guidance and tools to their inner grown-up.

Educational Objectives:

1. Describe the best part of the man, his “functional adult,” into an alliance with you.
2. Utilize judicious self-disclosure to help diminish shame while confronting men’s difficult behaviors and traits.
3. Demonstrate understanding of the current resurgence of patriarchy to an invitation to move beyond it and reclaim passionate connections to self and others.
4. Discuss male clients to a therapeutically meaningful deconstruction and reconfiguration of what it means to be “a man.”

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline:

Introduction of Terry Real and His Work

• Couples Conference 2018, Oakland, CA, featuring Terry Real.

• Praised for groundbreaking work on men, male psychology, and media appearances.

• Quoted on the damaging effects of patriarchy on men.

• Known for his direct, impactful speaking style.

Terry Real's Humorous Introduction

• Jokes about media labeling him “Professor Underpants.”

• Discusses the duality in male behavior—both positive and problematic.

• Highlights the current masculinity crisis post-#MeToo.

• Notes men’s confusion due to mixed cultural messages.

The Crisis of Masculinity

• Men are in flux due to shifting gender roles.

• Therapists must challenge outdated assumptions about men.

• Emphasizes healing men’s inner child.

• Patriarchy is harmful to both genders, creating emotional hollowness.

The Impact of Patriarchy on Boys and Men

• Boys are taught to disconnect from feelings early.

• Girls lose their voice later; boys lose emotional access sooner.

• Shares story of son facing shame for gender nonconformity.

• Shame and grandiosity used to enforce harmful masculine ideals.

Understanding Shame and Grandiosity

• Healthy self-esteem is rooted in separating person from behavior.

• Shame and grandiosity are two sides of the same contempt-based coin.

• "Joining through the truth" aligns with the client while confronting behavior.

• Helps men reconnect with their decent core.

The Role of Women in Therapy

• Women therapists can be powerful in RLT if they lead with competence.

• Belinda (his wife) serves as an example of effectiveness.

• Debunks myths that men are emotionally mute or lack depth.

• Encourages men to explore and name their feelings.

The Role of Vulnerability in Intimacy

• Traditional masculinity glorifies invulnerability, which harms intimacy.

• Men need “power with” not “power over” in relationships.

• Advocates for standing up with love—assertiveness without aggression.

Teaching Relationships to Men

• Therapists must actively teach men how to relate and feel.

• Shares video of a breakthrough moment between a client and Belinda.

• Ends with a Goethe quote: therapists must hold a high bar.

• Goal: Help men rise into their best selves through teaching and care.