EP13 Invited Address 08 – Guerrilla Divorce Busting: Working with Couples in the Trenches – Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, LCSW

Description:

By the time most couples seek therapy, they’ve been dealing with relationship problems for years. Many are convinced that nothing can change; they are hopeless. How we respond at these pivotal moments has a profound effect on the ways in which people view themselves, and the viability of their marriages.

Educational Objectives:

1. List three underlying assumptions of the Divorce Busting approach.
2. List one reason why instilling hope is important.
3. Explain how our biases affect outcome.

*Sessions may be edited for content and to preserve confidentiality*

Outline: 

Introduction and Background of Michele Weiner-Davis

• Anne Ellen Simpkins introduces Michele, praising her contributions to marriage therapy and her book Divorce Busting (1992).

• Michele opens with humor about her name and expresses gratitude before beginning with a personal story.

The Story of Ron and His Marriage

• On a flight, Michele meets Ron, who complains about his wife’s unhappiness despite a comfortable life.

• Ron dismisses his wife’s concerns as insecurity, recalling an argument after giving her flowers.

• Michele chooses to focus on the wife’s experience of feeling invisible rather than siding with Ron.

Michele's Approach to Therapy and Marriage

• Emphasizes the therapist’s role in guiding clients’ actions through language and values.

• Advocates being transparent about pro-marriage bias and the belief that most marital issues are solvable.

• Encourages therapists to influence clients toward repair instead of neutrality.

Michele's Personal Experience with Divorce

• Shares the emotional impact of her parents' divorce on her childhood and siblings.

• Personal experience motivated her commitment to help others avoid unnecessary divorce.

• Reflects on her values during a mindfulness workshop, reaffirming her mission.

The Importance of Time Together in Marriage

• Introduces “walkaway wife syndrome”: women leave after years of unmet emotional needs.

• Warns that men often realize the importance of time and connection too late.

• Urges couples to schedule regular time together and avoid taking their relationship for granted.

Being a Hope Monger in Therapy

• Advocates for therapists to embody and model hope for clients.

• Shares Bernie Siegel’s message on the healing power of humanity and belief.

• Encourages therapists to be mindful of their own hopelessness and seek out optimistic colleagues.

Practical Tips for Guerrilla Divorce Busting

• Advises therapists to support friends trying to save their marriages, without becoming neutral or cynical.

• Recommends spreading awareness about “walkaway wife syndrome” and the importance of time together.

• Encourages challenging friends to take responsibility rather than giving up prematurely.

The Role of Emotional Cutoffs in Therapy

• Highlights the destructive nature of emotional cutoffs in family and relationships.

• Encourages ongoing, difficult communication as a therapeutic value.

• Shares a quote from Indira Gandhi on forgiveness and resilience.

• Advocates for therapist authenticity and appropriate self-disclosure.

Conclusion and Call to Action

• Urges therapists to act as “guerrilla divorce busters” and bring hope to struggling couples.

• Encourages proactive involvement in others’ lives to promote marital resilience.

• Ends with a call to be the spark for change, helping even one person can ripple outward.