CC24 Keynote 01 - Learning to Live Relationally: Teaching Our Clients; Saving the World - Terry Real, LICSW

As practicing relationship experts we find ourselves steeped in war these days. In styles hot and cold, waring couples seek our advice. Conflict between nations haunts our consciences. Even Nature itself seems to be turning against us as a result of our own virtually suicidal behaviors. Across the globe, Democracy is on the ropes with an alarming resurgence of autocracy, the rise of the most virulent, savage aspects of Patriarchy. As a species, we are at a crossroads. We will trade in the millennial old paradigm of “power over” for a new life based on ecological wisdom, interdependence, or we may bequeath to our children and grandchildren a hot, mean, largely toleration world. 
How can we relationship experts stand by in “neutral” silence – when we have something so critical to say, to teach?
The couples I work with may not have it in them to bring peace to the Mideast, but we can help them bring peace to their living rooms and bedrooms – by changing the same deluded paradigm harming us all at the macro level – the delusion of dominance. Our relationships are our biospheres. We don’t live above them, but inside them. The old individualistic world of win/lose; right/wrong, you versus me; us versus them must yield to the wisdom of enlightened self-interest. It is in my interest to keep my biosphere clean – by containing my temper perhaps, or perhaps on the other hand by learning to stand up for myself with love. This keynote introduces a new map – living relationally on this Earth – along with introducing a few core skills to accomplish it. Finally, it is past time for we therapists to accept the mantle of social activism, lift our voices, and share a perspective that might help our critically troubled, dangerous world.

Learning Objectives:

1. Comprehend how relationships have changed from previous generations
2. Equip our clients to work directly on their relationship to themselves in much the same way they’d work on an external relationship
3. Move from toxic individualism and patriarchy to ‘US’

Outline:

Introduction of Terry Real and His Work

• Terry Real introduced as an experienced psychotherapist and founder of the Relational Life Institute.

• His latest book, Getting Past You and Me, is a New York Times bestseller.

• Known for media appearances and contributions to relational life therapy (RLT) training worldwide.

Terry Real's Unique Approach to the Conference

• Opens with a broader message to the audience as global citizens, not just therapists.

• Focuses on global patriarchy and autocracy, quoting D.H. Lawrence’s “Healing.”

• Emphasizes recovery and breaking life-long patterns as essential healing work.

The State of Long-Term Relationships and Modern Expectations

• Notes high marriage failure rates and unrealistic expectations for intimacy.

• Contrasts historical marriage roles with today’s desires for emotional fulfillment.

• Critiques modern culture as narcissistic and individualistic; urges schools to teach relationship skills.

The Role of Therapists in Addressing Systemic Issues

• Uses family systems theory to show how personal problems mirror societal dysfunction.

• Challenges the myth of the independent individual; advocates interdependence and ecological wisdom.

• Critiques patriarchy and the illusion of control over nature and others.

The Importance of Relational Empowerment

• Distinguishes between personal vs. relational empowerment—calls for the latter.

• Provides examples of couples shifting from blame to teamwork.

• Advocates for therapists helping clients deconstruct patriarchal thinking.

Addressing Grandiosity and Shame in Therapy

• Warns against ignoring grandiosity—sees it as as important as shame in therapy.

• Describes training in de-escalation and how to help clients come down from inflated egos.

• Emphasizes the need for therapists to confront both toxic humility and superiority.

The Three Phases of Relational Life Therapy (RLT)

• Phase 1: Loving confrontation.

• Phase 2: Trauma healing in the presence of a partner.

• Phase 3: Skill-building for relational mindfulness and repair.

• RLT integrates trauma work with practical skills for real-time behavior change.

The Role of Therapists as Social Change Agents

• Urges therapists to act as moral leaders, teaching relational values.

• Encourages community engagement to promote relational wisdom beyond therapy rooms.

• Calls for therapists to unite against rising cultural regression and toxic individualism.

Q&A Session: Addressing Specific Client Issues

• Offers advice on sexual dysfunction, parenting, and uncooperative partners.

• Encourages therapists to respect cultural context and challenge harmful gender norms.

• Reinforces systemic thinking and relational responsibility in therapy work.