EP21 Speech 12 - Survivors Responses to Growing up with Abandonment - Claudia Black, PhD

After a detailed description of emotional abandonment, Claudia will discuss a variety of behavioral responses to the internalized shame. The need for control, perfectionism, procrastination, the dynamics of victimization and compartmentalized depression are many such examples that she will describe.

Learning Objectives

1. Describe the relationship of abandonment and boundary distortion in the creation of internalized shame.
2. Identify ways in which people attempt to garner power over, succumb to, or erase the pain.
3. Be able to define emotional abandonment.

Outline:

Introduction & Session Overview

• Rick Miller introduces Claudia Black, highlighting her work and books.

• Claudia opens with the topic of abandonment and its long-term effects.

• Discloses financial affiliations and outlines session goals.

• Shares a client quote about feeling “unclaimed,” introducing the theme of abandonment.

Defining Abandonment

• Physical abandonment: unmet needs, neglect, abuse (e.g., unsafe situations, sexual abuse).

• Emotional abandonment: rejection, lack of acceptance, emotional neglect.

• Occurs in childhood, relationships, and even in how people treat themselves.

Self-Abandonment & Emotional Unavailability

• People often repeat abandonment in how they treat themselves.

• Learning to value one's feelings is key to healing.

• Many hide parts of themselves to stay safe or feel accepted.

• Emotional neglect can exist even without physical abuse; unrealistic relationship expectations are common.

Consequences of Abandonment

• Leads to toxic shame and deep feelings of worthlessness.

• Shame roots vary by age and how often abandonment occurred.

• People develop “masks” to cope—affecting work, parenting, intimacy.

• Control becomes a way to manage chaos, but can also hinder recovery.

Controlling Behavior & Rage

• Internal control: suppressing feelings and needs.

• Different types of controllers: sweet, distant, passive, angry.

• Rage is often a defense—used to gain power and mask shame.

• Rage can be toxic, shifting shame onto others instead of healing.

Perfectionism & Procrastination

• Arises from trying to meet impossible expectations from others.

• Personal stories show how this develops and affects daily life.

• Procrastination often masks shame, especially fear of not being good enough.

Victimization & Depression

• Victims struggle with setting limits and seeing their needs.

• Early experiences teach children to normalize harmful behavior.

• Depression tied to abandonment through genetics, distorted thinking, and unresolved grief.

• “Looking good” kids appear fine but feel deep internal despair.

Addiction & Shame

• Addictions often mask shame and feelings of unworthiness.

• Claudia compares it to “salt water for thirst”—it doesn’t work.

• Introduces acronym SAFE: Secretive, Abusive, Feelings, Emptiness, Escalation.

• Emphasizes developing boundaries and emotional ownership.

Interventions & Self-Disclosure

• Uses shame-focused conversations to challenge harmful beliefs.

• Self-disclosure from therapists helps validate client experiences.

• Empathy and compassion help reduce shame’s hold.

• Encourages clients to thank and release protective behaviors like rage.

Q&A & Closing Remarks

• Answers questions on anger management, disclosure, and responses to abandonment.

• Discusses how family roles and temperament shape coping styles.

• Shares info on future workshops and conference events.